Boundaries aren’t walls
If you’re someone who’s really good at helping people, understanding them, doing the right thing, and being there for others, but you feel depleted and struggle to say no—even when you know you should—then this is for you.
Today, we’re diving into three unusual ways to create boundaries. Quick heads-up: make sure to join me on September 9th at The Overachievers Club because we’ll be diving deeper into this topic and helping YOU with YOUR specific needs. For now, I want to walk you through some key points to help you get started and prepare for our upcoming free club meeting.
So, let’s jump in with three key questions:
1. **What is a boundary?**
2. **Why are boundaries important?**
3. **How do we create boundaries?**
**What is a boundary?**
First, let’s clear up what a boundary isn’t. A boundary isn’t a big wall that separates you from others. In fact, boundaries help you stand up for yourself. They let you articulate what’s okay with you and what isn’t.
**Why is it important?**
When you don’t have boundaries, you struggle to say yes to yourself. And if you can’t say yes to yourself, you can’t move forward with what truly matters to you. Instead, you’re always putting others first. While caring for others is great, when it comes at the expense of your own well-being, it’s a fast track to burnout. Martyrdom leads to depletion, and if you’re depleted, you can’t do your Great Work in the world. And let’s be honest—the world needs you. You need strength and fortitude to share your unique gifts, which is why boundaries are crucial.
Now, maybe you’re thinking, “But I don’t like conflict,” or “I feel anxious about saying no.” Maybe deep down, you fear that if you set a boundary, you’ll hurt someone’s feelings, or even be abandoned. Sound familiar? These feelings are common, especially among people pleasers. But boundaries are not about creating conflict; they’re about preserving your energy and well-being so you can keep doing the things that matter most.
Three Tips for Setting Boundaries
1. Start Small
You don’t have to leap into setting huge boundaries right away. Start small. For example, with the holidays coming up, maybe instead of enduring a full week of family gatherings with NO break, you carve out a couple of hours for yourself to do exactly what YOU desire, without others. Gradually, these small changes build momentum, and over time, you’ll develop stronger boundary-setting habits.
2. Self-Care is Essential
When you start setting boundaries, make sure you pair it with self-care. This doesn’t have to be extravagant. It can be as simple as a 15-minute walk or taking time to stretch or read. Whatever it is, make sure you prioritize what feels good for you. Self-care is your foundation. Not sure how to begin? Ask yourself “what do I need most at this moment?” Do that.
3. Avoid Ultimatums
Instead of making it an all-or-nothing scenario, try opening up a conversation. For example, instead of saying, “We go on this vacation or we never vacation again,” you could say, “I see why you like this vacation idea, but here’s what doesn’t work for me. How can we create an experience that works for both of us?” By opening a dialogue, you’re not only setting a boundary but also inviting collaboration.
Bonus Tip: When you ask questions that start with “What if…” or “How can we…”, you’re fostering an open conversation rather than giving ultimatums. This approach can lead to better outcomes for both parties.
A Personal Story
Boundaries are so important, especially when it comes to human interactions. I’m currently working with a wonderful client who runs a firm and often finds themselves in situations where they need to set boundaries. This person has a tendency to be a people pleaser and struggles with delivering tough news. But as they practice setting boundaries, they’re becoming a stronger leader. It’s amazing to watch the transformation that happens when someone starts honoring their own needs. Boundaries aren’t just a skill; they’re the beginning of a beautiful manifestation of who you want to be in the world. And that’s powerful.
So, on this beautiful September day, I encourage you to start thinking about where you need to set boundaries in your life. And remember—you’re worth it! Set boundaries, love yourself, and say yes to the right things and no to the wrong things (whatever that means for you).
I can’t wait to see you on September 9th for The Overachievers Club. Until then, take care and keep setting those boundaries!