Picture the scenario: You’re at the office water cooler, when a colleague breezes by and adopts that puppy-dog expression, which signals they want something. As it turns out, “something” has come up and they can no longer do the presentation at the department meeting on Friday. Would you mind taking over?
You have no background on the task. You are snowed under with your own work and yet, instead of refusing, you hear a voice say
“Sure! Happy to help”…
Sound familiar?
It’s happened to us all. That conviction that we would rather inconvenience ourselves than we would let anyone else down. We just don’t like feeling we’re the bad guy (or gal) and feel guilty over prioritizing our own wishes and wellbeing.
But, I’m here to show you why it’s okay to say “NO” and how you can do so and still sleep at night. Here goes:
1. How saying NO to others is really saying YES to yourself.
“When you say ‘Yes’ to others, make sure you are not saying ‘No’ to yourself.” ~ Paolo Coelho
Let me ask you a question. When you take a look at your to-do list, how many of the things on that list are for you and how many for someone else? Sure, it’s nice to be needed, but doing too much for others not only leaves the situation open to abuse, and can also leave you over-extended, while you rush to fulfil those obligations or responsibilities – and even resentful, with no “you” time left in the day.
That’s not to say that you should point-blank refuse to help anyone. The key is one little word: discernment and learning to say ‘no’ when it means saying ‘yes’ to yourself. Practising discernment is key to building and maintaining those healthy boundaries that we have discussed in previous blog posts. Ask yourself, will saying YES to any request will get you nearer to your own goals and success, or will you simply be helping someone else get nearer their own?
2. What to do if you’re not sure what you’re saying YES to.
Again, we’ve probably all been in a situation where we have put our own agenda to one side and picked up a task for someone else, only to find that the task is WAY BIGGER than we originally thought (or were led to believe) and how does that make us feel? Resentful? Put-upon? Stressed? Check, check and check.
Communication is key here. Never be afraid to ask those “stupid” questions and check the fine details of the task ahead. After all, if you’re going out of your way to pick up a job that is someone else’s responsibility, the least they can do is ensure you’re fully armed with the information and equipment you need to succeed. It’s perfectly okay to ask for further clarification before you decide whether to accept or decline a request, too. Far better to have clarity before you decide than to say “yes” blindly. It’s perfectly acceptable to request time to consider your answer too. “Let me check and get back to you” is all you need to say. No need for reasons, but this magic little phrase will also give you the option to refuse without looking/feeling bad. “I’m sorry, I checked my diary and I have something else on.” lets you off the hook pain-free.
3. Getting comfortable with NO
How can one little word make us squirm so hard? If you want to get comfortable with saying no, then you first need to gain clarity in defining what you’re comfortable saying yes to and, conversely, what you feel better saying no to. This is your life, your agenda, your needs and desires we’re talking about people! If you want to lead the life you want, then getting comfortable with aligning others’ requests with your own goals is paramount. If you’re still unsure about saying no, give it a practice. Think of one small thing that you can say NO to and give it a whirl. Try it out and get some balance back in your life.
Hopefully, the look at the bigger picture of why it’s okay to say no sometimes will help you to achieve success in your own life. Remember that saying NO to others may allow you to say YES to yourself!
In our next blog, we’re going to be looking at some ways to say NO without upsetting anyone, without feeling guilty ourselves and without losing friends!
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