“How do I say no without the guilt?”
We’re going to talk about what it is, why it’s important, what might be behind it, and the actions that you can take to mitigate it and eventually overcome it.
Watch this week’s video, or read on!
First of all, what it is. I think you all know this, right? It is when you are finding yourself saying yes to things that you’re like, “Oh, gosh, I really didn’t want to do that”. And then it starts. And why this topic is really important is that the more times we say ‘yes’ to things that don’t line up with our priorities or our heart space, the less room there is for our priorities and our heart space. But what might be behind the dilemma of NO? Many of us have “the desire to help many people.” They are in my community. They might be coaches, they might be healers, they might be medical professionals, they might just be people with big hearts. They might be (this has got negative connotations) “people pleasers”. And the thing is that when we love the feeling of helping others, we need to watch that because that often masks a disregard for ourselves. It’s very tricky because the world thinks, “Oh wow, he’s such a helper/she’s such a helper”. “Oh wow, look at all these things they’re doing for their community”. “Oh, wow, what a giver”.
It is really great to be a giver. It is really great to help your community. All of those things are wonderful. I’m not saying they’re not, but what I’m saying is that we can give from a cup that is not full. So the trick is to fill our own cup, and that way, we can give from the overflow. These are the things that might be behind the Yes when we mean No. There’s a couple of other reasons for the dilemma. Perhaps you’re feeling, “I’ve got so many things that I love to do, so many things that I am interested in. I’m multifaceted and, and I’m a beautiful mosaic of lots of different things”. Again, that’s wonderful. But if it’s got you fragmented and scattered, it’s really not so wonderful, is it?
Step two (for those of you who’ve downloaded ‘Scattered and Stuck to Confident and Focused’) is ‘Discern’. (Step one is ‘Decide’.) Those multiple interests can really be dialed in on through the discern step. So pay attention to those interests when you are discerning. And a hint, I’ll talk more about this in the coming weeks, I do have a course running on the discern step starting November 1st. The last thing that might be behind saying ‘yes’ when you really mean ‘no’ is that it can be a resistance to planning. You know, maybe you’re keeping a lot of options open. Maybe you’re having some FOMO. You don’t ever want to quite commit to anything, or you’re always not really sure. Decision fatigue can lead to procrastination, so these things can build up upon one another. Procrastination is a subject for another time.
Let’s address the actions to take.
The first action to take in not knowing how to say no, is to download my New Free Guide. Because the main focus of the free guide Scattered and Stuck to Confident and Focused is to get you lovingly in a heart space and a soul space that feels good to you, to decide what you’re going to focus on without guilt, without shame. I’m going to start you right now doing some other things, but if you haven’t downloaded that yet, please do.
The second action to take is to watch for a new lesson series, coming October 19th. I’m going to be releasing a free video series. I will really dive in deep on topics of being scattered and stuck. So make sure you watch your email for that because that’s coming.
The third action is to mark your calendar for 24th of October when I will be doing a special workshop. That will have a small fee attached, but that will be when we really roll up our sleeves and dive in together – live.
So those are the 3 things that are coming up. But what can you do right now? Get your pen and paper out right now and write this down.
Write this: “What do I love?”
You’re not going to do the whole thing right here, right now, but what you are going to do is write down 10 things that you love, then write down 10 more and then really take the washcloth and squeeze out those 10 more. If you have more, you can keep going, but really dive in and really ask yourself, what do I love and don’t have any guilt or shame, leave the ‘shoulds’ behind. If you don’t love it, don’t put it down. But if you do love it, or maybe if you just strongly like it, put it down. After you’re done with that, then what I want you to do is look at what you’ve got. Say you have 30 things, right? Take the top 20%, which of 30 would be about six things.
So, take the top six things. The things that really are holding your heart space and your soul space and circle them. Those are the things that you’re giving yourself permission, through me, to focus on. As for the rest, you don’t have to say “no” to them forever; but you can say “No, not yet, not right now”. And this is the way to say no while saying yes because it’s not forever, it’s just for now. So, if you’re reading this on my website, feel free to put a comment below as to what you love. If you’ve watched the video, comment on it. Feel free to put a comment below – a question that maybe I haven’t addressed. I am very happy to engage in a dialogue around this. And don’t forget, on Oct 24th you can come along to a special workshop, because I won’t be doing Wisdom Warriors in October. You have a rare opportunity to ask lots of questions and I will be your coach live for just pennies on the dollar. Pretty great stuff. I will see you then.
And I’ll also see you in the next video/blog!