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Do you have a trait or traits that aren’t serving you? How can this be remedied? We all have them, there’s no doubt but what can you do to remedy this? Is it a simple fix or is a new habit needed to wipe out the existing trait?

A trait is a characteristic that influences how we think, feel and act. It’s part of who we are. It gives us personality but what should you do when this trait is stopping you from reaching your goals, getting you stuck in other people’s expectations and how do they develop?

Traits can change over time and are influenced by experiences, belief systems and largely depend on what stage of life we are in. How we act are modelled by these 3 things and are often tricky to untangle. The key thing to remember is that when you let go of what you no longer need, you free up space to attract more of what you want.

So how can be easily remedy these traits that are no longer serving us?

• Identify what the trait is that’s not serving you. Are they traits that you get you into trouble? Do they interfere with your productivity? Knowing what we want to change is the first step to eliminating a trait. Once identified, it’s important to assess and evaluate the impact it has. For example, do you find a lot of negativities in your life? Does this leave you feeling upset or depressed? Or perhaps your perfectionism is stopping you from moving forwards with a goal or plan. The best way to identify a trait that no longer serves it by looking at a range of problems or issues that we have faced in our life and looking how it started. Often, we’ll find that there is always one (the same) trait at the center of it.
• Verify the trait with a friend, family, or colleague – our hardest critiques are always ourselves so it’s important to make sure that what you believe is true. If you tend to notice a lot of negativities, you might try asking someone close to you to see how they view you. It’s important to remember that some traits might be serving you, even if you think they aren’t.
• Identify if there is someone feeding this trait – for me, this is one of the most important things to do. Let’s continue with the example of negativity. Have you ever met someone for a coffee and come home feeling deflated because all you’ve done, while sipping your matcha latte, is talk about all the things are going wrong in your lives as opposed to everything you are achieving? Creating distance between you and toxic people will be vital to your success of remedying a trait that no longer serves you.
• Set yourself a goal on how you want to be – think about what you want your new trait to look like? Think about how you will feel when this trait, that no longer serves you, doesn’t have a use in your life?
• Use affirmations or reminders. Write it on a post It note and stick it to your wall, remind yourself each day that this particular trait holds no value and will not contribute to the success of your day.

Remedying a trait, although simple in isolated circumstances may be more difficult in everyday life so it’s important to keep pushing yourself every day to be a better version of yourself. Whatever the reason you are looking to remedy a trait, always remember that Rome wasn’t built in a day and these things take time.

And to finish, I leave you with this quote from Teal Swan as a reminder that you are YOU, you are UNIQUE, and you deserve to be the person you want to be.

“All too often our personality is nothing more than psychological clothing that we wear to hide our true self from the world.”

As humans, we have grown to be very harsh on ourselves caused by high expectations as to what we are meant to be achieving or thriving towards. It’s easy to get “lost” in the crowds, to be a diamond covered in dirt but what if this wasn’t as bad for us as we think? Are the days of “fitting in” over? Well, let’s look at a few strengths of being neurodiverse.

• When identifying as neurodivergent, you think differently to the rest of those around you. Let’s face it, it hasn’t always been easy – to get to where you are today, you’ve had to overcome many obstacles and difficulties and you’ve had to create or find workarounds to situations that don’t come naturally to you. This problem-solving ability is highly sought after in many aspects of everyday life and the race is on to find those with these abilities. So what you consider a FAULT is GOLD to others. 
• You have the power to encourage CHANGE in the environment around you. For so long, we’ve been taught that there is a “way” to do everything. Society expects us to act or behave in a certain way because that’s the norm and it’s what’s expected of us. Being neurodiverse challenges people to rethink how things are done, to take a different perspective and consider that there might be a better way! Last month we spoke about getting caught up in other people’s chains of expectation and how to break free to reach your full potential.
• Some of the greatest innovations have been discovered, designed, or invented by a neurodiverse person. These people push the boundaries of “making the impossible happen” because the impossible presents itself EVERYDAY. Take Alan Turin as an example of greatness in neurodiversity. Albert Einstein, Henry Ford, Richard Branson, Bill Gates, the list goes on. Times have changed and NOW is the time for neurodiversity to shine bright and show that greatness can be achieved but it requires THINKING DIFFERENTLY, outside of the box, we need to reinvent the wheel…
• Neurodiversity often equals creativity. We know creativity works, we know innovation works and we know that neurodiversity works. With at least 1 in 8 of us being neurodiverse, the diamonds covered in dirt are all around us. You have unique skillsets that are unlikely to be matched in the workplace, in your friendship group and in society itself so use it to its full potential, SHOUT about it from the rooftops, don’t be ashamed.
• You are a teacher in disguise. What if people were watching you because they thought they could learn from you? Companies with heterogenous teams who have neurodiverse team members often outperform those and this is thanks to the range of skillsets and determination that a neurodiverse person brings to any working environment.

The list of reasons why being neurodiverse can benefit you are endless. YOU are changing the world around you one step at a time with what you consider “faults”. There’s a true saying that you always want what you haven’t got but what if you started loving who you are and the gifts that you have?

I’ll leave you with this wonderful quote to keep in mind on the tough days from Carl Jung “The shoe that fits one person, pinches another; there is no recipe for living that suits all cases”

Saying NO is often not so easy.  Engrained deep down somewhere is the fear of rejection, the fear of someone else saying no to us. Somehow, with the busy lives we lead, many times we find ourselves saying yes, when really we should be saying no. We overstretch ourselves, tire ourselves, burn ourselves out and this could all be remediated by simply saying no. Discernment is critical. So why do we feel so uncomfortable about saying the two-letter word? Saying “no” may feel “aggressive” but it doesn’t necessarily make you the “bad one”. So how do we say NO and not “feel badly” about it?

• Start by saying it! Many times, we don’t use “no! effectively. We find ourselves “beating around the bush”, providing useless explanations or getting ourselves into a mess when really all we need to say is no. Provide a short explanation if you wish to but keep it brief, stay away from excuses and be assertive and confident in the reasons for which you are saying no.

• Set boundaries and understand your relationships – sometimes we can find it hard to say no because we haven’t taken the time to evaluate our relationships and understand our role within them. All solid relationships are built on trust and can withstand you saying no when saying yes just isn’t the right decision for you.

• Remember, the only person who can take care of you is YOU. Therefore, it’s crucial that we know it’s okay to be selfish. It’s perfectly acceptable to put your needs first. As Warren Buffett once said, “The difference between successful people and very successful people is that very successful people say no to almost everything!”

• Just because you can, it doesn’t mean you should. Yes, you heard correctly. You are extremely talented, and your skillset is wide, your heart is big, and you CAN and WANT to help but this doesn’t mean you should. Take time to evaluate the situation. Do you have time to help? Do you have the headspace to help? If you answer no to any of these questions, you should also be saying no to the person asking.

• Learn to negotiate – If you really want to say yes but are torn because you could really do without having this request on your plate, negotiate. Do you need more time to complete the task? Do you need further assistance from a colleague or a friend? Setting conditions to your answer can help free up time and headspace to complete the request at hand.

• Practicing saying no on smaller things will allow you to say yes on bigger things. Do you spend all your time mopping up small tasks? Are they zapping your time, energy and productivity and stopping you from achieving BIG? If this sounds like you, saying no to smaller requests may free you up the time to focus on what you need to get done. It will also set you on the path to learning to say no and accepting the feelings that come with it.

• Remember, it’s okay to say no and you can’t be everything to everyone. You just can’t and the sooner we accept this, the better.

Ultimately, saying no gives us greater navigation over our own lives. It grants us the opportunity to build a fulfilling, meaningful life on our OWN terms and helps us steer away from living by other people’s expectations. It’s easy to believe that we are protecting others by saying yes when we really want to say no, however, being transparent and honest about what we want is key to building authentic relations.

I’ll leave you with this quote as food for thought “Half of the troubles of this life can be traced to saying yes too quickly and not saying no soon enough” – Josh Billings.

Learn the number one way to de-stuckify yourself from the chain of expectation.

Living up to other people’s expectation begins in the very early stages of our development. From the moment we are born, our parents or carers establish rules on how we should behave, the schooling system implements educational standards and as we grow older and get our first job, expectations are put on us by our employers. And just like that, we can find ourselves always trying to live up to the expectation of others. But when it is time to de-stuckify yourself from those expectations? Do you find yourself in the never-ending spiral of trying to please other people? Is this leading you be to be unhappy?

If you can resonate with these feelings – You are NOT alone. So how can you liberate yourself from people’s expectations to live your life how you want to and make everyone around you happier in the long term? What do you need to know and what steps can you take?

• Expectations are rarely an accurate gauge on what is right for YOU. It’s important to remember that even with the best intentions, other people’s expectations will be based on the standards they set for themselves and therefore it’s very likely that these expectations won’t align with your own goals. Only you know what is right for you.

• Know your values and what’s important to you – discovering what you want from YOUR life is essential to setting your boundaries and to protecting yourself from other people’s expectations. Do you want to parent your children in a certain way? Perhaps you want to run your business different to how others around you are doing it? Imagine yourself in a scenario where no one was telling you what you should do, what would you decide? What would you choose to do? This exercise is key to finding out what it is that you REALLY want from your life. While this can seem obvious, most people don’t even think to spend time on it. And it can actually be a little scary!

• Cut the chain of expectation at the very top – this one really is a “practice makes perfect” kind of exercise and it’s not always going to be easy. When you clearly set out your boundaries from the beginning and learn to speak up without fear of being judged, you’ll eventually be able to liberate yourself from other people’s standards and expectations and lead the life you have always wanted.  Wait. Then it’s all up to you. Nobody to blame, or be angry with….let that one sit….

• Always remember that these are other people’s expectations and not yours, therefore it’s their problem, NOT yours. Learning to remove yourself from the emotional side of these expectations will allow you to bring them into perspective and decide if they are right for you. Don’t take on other expectations as your own. Listen to them (sometimes that’s all it takes) and then take time to put the words into perspective.

• Finally, be kind to yourself – it’s true that you can’t control what others think of you or say to you. You CAN control how you speak to yourself. This is the first step to leading a happier life. And it can be really, really hard to stop the negative nelly to YOURSELF. Nurturing your inner self, treating yourself with respect and accepting who you are will allow you to make decisions that will lead you on the right path to success. ENLIST YOUR FRIENDS TO HELP!

To achieve true happiness within your own life, it’s vital that you learn to remove yourself from other people’s expectations and learn to live your life by your standards. Always living life by what other people want you to do can cause frustration as well as resentment and it’s difficult to build a happy mind from this rocky base. When the biggest priority in your life is being liked for what you do, the main goal becomes just that, and you can quickly lose sight of what you actually want. Always push yourself to the next level of success but don’t let other people tell you what success looks like for you because only you can know that.

I’ll leave you with this powerful quote – “I’m not in this world to live up to your expectations and you’re not in this world to live up to mine.”

‘‘Failures are finger posts on the road to achievement’

-C.S. Lewis

So many are afraid to fail. Fear, conscious or (most likely) subconscious, sits at the root of almost all progress forward or upward. Our biology, both mind and body, wants to keep us safe. So, we play it safe.

And safe is the worst possible mind to be in when you’re planning for Good Things To Happen in the New Year. For now….let’s talk about “failures” – head on.

The old…“why should I bother? Look at the last two years. Right?” comes to mind.

Here are 3 points to consider. I’m including some “trigger words,” so be warned!

1. Pivot… Pivot! PIVOT! This classic ‘Friends’ scene never fails to make me laugh – three people of the main cast attempt to move a couch up a stairwell which is far too small to accommodate it, with hilarious results. While a lot of people would probably also have been reminded of that same sketch prior to the pandemic, the term ‘pivot’ now seems to be a trigger for “bad memories of 2020” for a lot of people thanks to its portrayal in the media as ‘the only way’ for them to survive the pandemic. Under the circumstances, this negative association isn’t surprising, and neither is the desire to avoid trying anything new after a tumultuous two years in both our personal and business lives. (Isn’t that odd?)

However, this negativity is a real threat to our mental health and the viability of our businesses as it makes us see change as something to fear rather than embrace, so it’s vital we reframe our thinking and open ourselves back up to positive change once more and include it in our plans for 2022 in order to THRIVE rather than just survive.

WATCH THIS RIGHT NOW…the ‘Pivot’ scene I mentioned. You deserve a belly laugh, and it might just be the first step towards breaking that “2020 association” for good.

2. Why is pivoting so important anyway? While most of us (hopefully) haven’t tried to move a couch up a stairwell ourselves like in the sketch above, I’m sure there have been times where all of us have found ourselves stuck when it comes to our business and future, and that is when pivoting can be the best way to turn a ‘failure’ into an opportunity for success. If something in your life or business isn’t working out, making a big change and trying a new or adapted route can often be a better use of your time and resources than banging your head against a proverbial brick wall. This way, you can still use the positive, working parts of your original plan while also removing the deadweight that’s getting in the way of your success. For that reason, I like to plan ‘pivot points’ for myself throughout the year to give myself chances to step back and re-evaluate where I am in relation to my goals, then take action for change if necessary, BEFORE my hand is forced. This gives me a real opportunity to ‘check in’ with myself from a healthy headspace and see both the forest AND the trees. Try working in 90-day Sprints….it works!

3. What to do when you feel like giving up: Life can get overwhelming at the best of times, but when something goes wrong and nothing seems to be going right, it can be a real blow to your confidence and make you want to throw in the towel altogether. The first thing you need to remember when this happens is that feeling this way is NORMAL. ‘Failure’ is scary; most of us spend our entire lives desperately trying to avoid it. So, it’s okay to feel down, frustrated, or despondent when things don’t work out – in fact, allowing yourself to acknowledge and process these emotions is the first step in picking yourself back up again! Take a moment for yourself and do something you enjoy instead of wallowing in the negativity of ‘if only’. Read a book. Go for a walk. Meet up with a friend for a coffee. It doesn’t matter what it is, as long as it brings you joy and peace. Only then will you be able to focus and look at the problem in front of you from a fresh perspective and work out your next steps, whether that be seeking help from others, ‘pivoting’ to try something new, or simply pushing through this rough patch to greener pastures on the other side!

One final thought from James Baldwin to call upon when things get tough:

‘Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.’.