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Why bother, when you just keep failing, anyhow?

You set a goal. You watch “stuff” get in the way. You don’t hit the goal. You feel defeated.

Rinse, repeat. 

Why bother, right?  The “why bother” response certainly makes logical sense. Have you considered what else might be at play with this response, and what you might do to turn this “failure loop” around?

Today I will review 3 three ways that you can get unstuck more quickly. A lot of these sound really easy, and doing them is NOT “really easy all the time”. Before I share them, let’s review the “why bother” question. When we don’t hit our goals, again and again, the psyche feels defeated. We are not at peace with ourselves. To quickly reconcile this, our mind comes up with a logical summary: this does not work, please stop. Then, since our brain is constantly seeking patterns, we prove this pattern. Again, again, and again.

Continue reading, or watch the video

If our mind did NOT do this, we’d be in cognitive dissonance. That means that what we see for ourselves is not actually what is happening. That’s jarring to the nervous system. So the nervous system course corrects by telling the brain it’s impossible. The brain acts accordingly. 

Wow! Is there any hope? Why, yes. Not just HOPE but STRATEGIES. Onward to the 3 Ways!

1. Notice if you see one of two F’s or both F’s: Frustration and Failure.  A couple of my clients have been  expressing that they’re not achieving their goals – and of course, that’s why they’re working with me…lol.  It’s quite good that they are NOTICING this…now the next step is to detach from the situation, so that we are able to see what is actually happening.

How do we do this? Notice those 2F’s: the Frustration and the Failure. After that, we can move into “acceptance of ‘what is’ right now.”  Wait, what?? What is that? It sounds like this: “ I’m noticing that things are not working so, this is probably an illusion; a workplace productivity illusion. Now it’s my job to figure out what to do; what illusion am I under?” When you detach and ask yourself those curious questions, you will start to break yourself out of that frustration/failure cycle. 

2. Have more fun. I have a longtime client and his current goal is to “10x his fun”. Woohoo! He discovered this during his time with me and what he determined (among many other breakthroughs that he has had) was that he wasn’t having much fun in his life before and he just kept grinding away. That was getting in the way of achieving his goals. Once he allowed himself to have fun, what happened? It allowed those happy hormones to come in. Next, the ‘law of attraction’ starts to take over, where you want to hang out with people that are fun. We’re going to attract more of what we want. In this headspace, we see opportunities that are already there- that we couldn’t see before when we were in our ‘grinding mode’. 

3. Surround yourself with people you like and places where you want to be. For example, when I was feeling very stuck in my marriage in 2012 I decided to say ‘yes’ to a trip without my family and this enabled me to really see things from a different perspective. I was able to relax, I was able to journal, I was able to talk to trusted people about this thing that was really troubling me.  I had been feeling very, very stuck. It’s important that you surround yourself with people and places. It may not be a trip to the Caribbean, but maybe simply getting out for a walk now that it’s spring. 

These 3 strategies: noticing the 2 F’s, having more fun, and surrounding yourself with more of what you desire, will go a long way in getting unstuck. To become unstoppable, and find much more time in your day, be sure to come along to my next Lorman.com webinar. It’s on April 12th and you can save your space, with a 50% discount using this link.  

And that’s not all!  I’m also having something super special I’m doing in April, but I’m not going to tell you what that is yet. So I want you just to kind of keep your eyes and ears peeled and get excited with me.

Let me know what next move you’re going to make based on this blog – I can’t wait to know what resonated with you the most and what action you’re going to take.

You should read this!

What’s a “SHOULD”?  That’s the ‘I should do this, I should do that’ and it’s interesting that there can sometimes be a feeling of guilt.  If we are not congruent with what we really want, it’s almost like someone saying ‘calm down’ when you are really angry – it doesn’t really ever work! Well, it’s the same thing that’s happening to you and to me when I say ‘I should …’. 

Sometimes it’s ‘I should be more like ….’ (you fill in the blank). This could have originated from childhood….‘why don’t you be like your brother?’ Then, we grow up and we think ‘I should be more like …. (whoever we admire)’ because we think they have it all together. Another SHOULD might sound like, ‘who am I to do that?’ For example, you shouldn’t be writing, if you are a writer, because what do I know about x, y, z?’. That’s  imposter syndrome. Finally, a should might look like attending an event that you don’t want to attend, because you feel you ‘should’ go, or meeting a friend for coffee, who you don’t really want to spend time with.

Let’s dive into how to get out of the “should situation.”. In this example, something happened and you’re feeling angry or sad. 

(Continue reading or watch the video)

1. Part of your brain says ‘You shouldn’t feel like that’. Please don’t listen to that voice because you are free to feel your feelings. Maybe it’s not helping you to be angry at that moment, but there again, what if it really were right? So feel your feelings.  You have a right  to feel however you feel. 
2. Give yourself a time limit – that might not work if for example, you were grieving, as we can’t put a time limit on that but maybe if you were really angry because you wished you had not gone to that event as you had wasted your time.  You can be angry about that, but only be angry about that for so long. Because the truth is, you have to get past that, you don’t want to wallow in it.  And that’s why we don’t go in it at all, because we don’t want to stay in it. 
3. Allow yourself something good – a treat of some kind. For example, you might never go to a certain restaurant as you consider it high end, and why would you when you could have a perfectly good lunch at home?  Or maybe you’re upgrading a ticket, you might just go for the ‘cheap seats’ but think ‘no, I need to give myself a little more’. And you don’t buy the cheapest option.  Treating yourself is really nice and is the opposite to what most people do when they’re feeling down or feel they have made a mistake. They feel they don’t deserve it.  But it’s just the opposite. When we treat ourselves well, we’re telling our subconscious we are worthy and you are worthy. You might not believe it, you don’t have to believe it, take it from me. You are worthy just by being alive. 

If a baby is crying in his/her crib is that baby worthy of love? Of course they are, just as you are worthy of love. You are worthy of feeling good. You are worthy of it all because one at one time you were that baby. 

We’re going to dive deeper into this topic and take all your questions on Monday March 20th (tomorrow!) at noontime Eastern, and you can reserve your slot here.  It’s completely free; it’s my monthly free Wisdom Warriors Group Coaching. See you there!

Hint: it’s much more than time

Before we dive into today’s topic, I have a big announcement:

Monday (tomorrow) from 11am to 5pm EST, there is a Neurodivergent Superpowers Summit that I’ve been invited to speak at. It’s free to join, here’s the link – be sure to sign up to get the recordings even if you can’t make it!

Now, let’s discuss time management in a different way than perhaps you may have been thinking:

time management for things that are new. 

If we have our own business, that means we are going to be doing something that is new. We’ll always be doing things that are new; many things that when we do them it brings up a lot of fears. Most times, these are fears that we didn’t even know we had. In fact, we could even really have been looking forward to doing the thing that we’re about to do for a long time and want to do that new thing very deeply. Yet, there is also a force in us that wants to keep us safe, and we find ourselves procrastinating when we go to do the new thing because it’s new. Let’s go deeper. We don’t think about it consciously because our subconscious is actually running the show.

Here are some tips to DO the new thing, versus getting stuck:

1. Allow far more time for it than you ever thought you needed. One thing that happens when we’re neurodiverse is we have this “plenty of time thinking.” It sounds like, ‘Oh, I’ve got plenty of time to do that’ or ‘I operate best at the last minute, otherwise I’ll just be bored and change everything a hundred times’. These are the things we tell ourselves that are at most -half truths. 

What is the real truth? To do something new, there is a ramp up period, and during that “ramp up period,” we settle our nervous systems. To settle, we might say ‘I’ve just gotta get that cup of tea’, or ‘I’ve just got to clear out my email’, or ‘I’ve just got to clear out the clutter of this room’. 

So you’re saying to yourself, ‘Well, what can I do? Because if something else is running the show, (my subconscious) how can I run my own show?’ 

The answer lies in the “allow more time” strategy.  For example, if it’s a one hour project, try allowing yourself half a day. What’s the worst that can happen – you’ll finish early?

2. Find a grounding ritual. For example, last night my son needed to do some studying, and he was all over the place in the kitchen and doing different things. And I said ‘What can we do here? How about I make you a cup of tea? Would you like hot cocoa? Would you like …..’  and I was trying to help him ground himself so that he could get ready to do what he needed to do.

This is not not only with my children, it’s with myself as well. For example, to do the video for you, I write my notes, I sit in my chair, I take a deep breath, I think about you all, I think about how I can’t wait to serve you. It may be to put on my favorite music, it may be put on a timer so I don’t get distracted. It may be to shut off my phone. It’s getting grounded and getting ready. 

3. Celebrate the little things. We do not give ourselves enough credit with the little things. I was speaking to a client yesterday and she was telling me some of her wins and then she immediately went into what didn’t go as well.  I said ‘hang on, hang on! At the beginning of the session all we’re allowed to do is say our wins. We can go into all the problems later’. And celebration is so important because what happens is our brain is being rewired in that moment to expect success because we get what we expect. 
4. Treat yourself.  A way to dive into the unknown and make the most of your time is the opposite of what you might think – this is to treat yourself (especially what I call ‘extreme self-care’. The bigger you are trying, the bigger step you’re trying to get up, the more extreme you have to care for yourself. I remember several years ago when I found myself in all kinds of crises with my kids and my former husband in arrests and all kinds of craziness. I said, ‘Okay, hang on. Where is the extreme self-care? What do I need to do to myself, for myself, for no other reason than to love myself beyond belief so that I can get through what I need to get through?’ Yes,that was a crisis level, and we’re not talking about a crisis, this is true.  We are talking about doing something new – and that reptilian brain doesn’t know the difference. It believes we are in crisis.

Hit reply, and tell me what are you taking away from this? 

Which of those 4 ideas seem best for you?

Write to me, and  I will help you get through them.

In the meantime, be sure to sign up for the Neurodiversity Summit on Monday. It’s from 11am to 5pm EST Eastern time. I’ll be speaking at 1pm EST.  It is completely free to sign up and you do not need to attend the whole thing. And even if you sign up and you can’t make it you’ll get the recordings. I really think it’s going to be worth it – I have a lot to learn too, so I can’t wait. 

I hope to see you there.

Secret struggles and their surprising solutions

It’s a good time to talk about physical clutter because most of us (at least in the Northern Hemisphere), are still by and large in our homes. We’re not spending quite as much time outdoors. So it’s a beautiful time to really take a look around our homes as it gets a little bit brighter and nicer out because we want to make sure that we’re ready to go outdoors; we’re ready to feel free (not guilty) about doing that. It also helps us be more productive and happy in our homes, and in our offices, when we are indoors to really have it be as clutter free as possible. 

Let’s review 3 struggles regarding physical clutter, and the process of decluttering!

1. The first struggle is starting. Sometimes, it’s just so overwhelming!  Let’s say you desire to do some de-cluttering. However, it just feels incredibly overwhelming. Why might that be?  It could be that, if you’ve got a home and the whole thing is in clutter, not just your home office, but really so much of it – so where do you even start? So you find yourself procrastinating. You find yourself being on Facebook and you find yourself going out of your home being “too busy” to do these things. And it’s overwhelming. So that’s number one, how do you get started?

BONUS NOTE:  if you’re keenly self-aware, you may notice a lot of voices in your head saying, ‘why bother?’ Quite likely, comes back to this truth. The voices might say you “are not meant to be organized.” These voices that come into your head are REAL and they may prevent you from getting started. When something is too big, say- a whole house to declutter, make the project SMALLER!

SECOND BONUS NOTE: Don’t try to do everything. DO NOT TRY TO  “Organize everything and figure it all out” first.  You may have this idea that everything has to be all organized and figured out before you just do one little piece. The opposite is most likely true.. In fact, if you just do one little piece, that’s the momentum of starting. The momentum of starting helps you continue and be more motivated to do more. Go ahead and dial your project down into a manageable chunk. Sometimes, the first step must be so small that it feels ridiculous. Even if it’s just a “pavement change”, like a threshold in your mind that you are going over, (moving one piece of paper, for example) it gets you momentum to move two pieces of paper.  I’m running a group right now. We’re calling ourselves the Goldilocks Goal Getters, meaning not too big, not too small, just right!  We err to be smaller on our goals than bigger. Why???  When we have bigger goals, they don’t get done because they become so overwhelming. Small = starting.

2. The second struggle is consistency.  I had a client and she did a declutter of her home office. Then she ended up with a bunch of to-dos, and then that felt overwhelming. She asked, “what do I do first? Now I’ve got all these piles and all these to-dos, but then what do I do with them?” The answer is, again, make it small, one at a time.  So, how does she create consistency? She might choose to spend an hour a day on each of these to-dos. That’s a great beginning.  Then what can happen?  Those darn voices can come in and say “but you’ll never finish it.” KNOWING THAT THE VOICES ARE NOT ‘YOU’ OR ‘TRUE’ IS POWERFUL!

I had a client with a backlog of client actions that needed to be taken, and this person is still super busy with the work that they’re doing day in and day out. So to get through that backlog a little bit at a time almost seems like throwing stones in the tide, and it’s not that way. Let’s use a beach metaphor. You’ve got the whole beach and you’ve got the tide, but maybe there’s a little pool right where the tide is, the tide has come in and then left some water there, and then it’s gone out a bit. And you get to address just that pool right there, and that pool matters, and that pool feels manageable. That’s how to do it in the short term. Sticking to things in the short term is all about dialing it into a manageable chunk, and then being okay with doing these things. It could be one hour a day, or it could be one day a week on a Saturday, something like that. A big part of this solution is “being okay” with the fact that it’s not going to be all done all at once. Sounds kind of silly perhaps, and I find that  we think it has to get done all at once. That’s ‘all or nothing’ thinking, and ‘all or nothing’ thinking is a great way to guarantee that you will fail.

So,  allow yourself those small steps, those baby steps. Reward yourself along the way, even though you think you shouldn’t get a reward, “because it’s too small of a step”. It’s actually the opposite. Doing the small steps and then rewarding yourself  will actually get you somewhere, and you will start to feel good and gain that momentum. 

3. The third struggle is longer term consistency.  How do you sustain this for the long term? One way is  to enlist external help. You’ll start to believe in yourself with your shorter term consistency, saying for example, “hey, I just cleaned out my ‘command central’ area in my kitchen”.  Many people have their command central in their kitchen – they’ll have mail, their phone, a calendar, etc.  This example  is more of a home organization type, and all systems  bleed together when we’re an entrepreneur. So once that’s  set up, now we can take that success and bring it outside to elicit external support. We can bring in our family members, we can bring in our colleagues, and we can say, “Hey, look, I’ve got this success, now how do I do my next thing … and my next thing … and my next thing?” Before you know it, the whole house (or office, or organization) is dealt with- little bits at a time. Actions every day, every week, every month, and giving yourself those prizes, continuing asking for help, giving yourself bigger prizes and being okay when things do fall apart, because it’s most likely they will…all those are steps for LONG term, consistent success.

CAUTION: That ‘all or nothing’ thinking can return! That thinking that “unless I’m done perfectly and it stays this way forever, I may as well not bother.” So remember, that thinking is  a great way to guarantee failure. 

Now that you know the top 3 struggles and how to overcome them, what will be your next step? Set a goal, for example, first day of spring on Mar 20, 2023 to create one small habit that will create momentum.

Comment below and let me know what that step might be!

Share it in our Unscatterme Community for support.

You are NOT alone!

Love really does have magical powers

How does LOVE relate to procrastination, mining for your unique gifts and talents, and “getting out there?”

Love is the theme of this month for me – and not just for me.  As it’s the month of Valentine’s Day, I’m talking about loving yourself, loving your business, loving your vocation and really loving the people that you are around. When you do that, you fill your cup and then you then give of the overflow of love, and you become a vessel of love. That’s a lot of love and it works! 

Love and Procrastination

Are you procrastinating on “that thing?”  You want to do it, but for some reason it remains undone? That sticky note is still stuck on your computer; it’s never getting off your list. The answer to “why” it’s not happening may surprise you.  Many times it’s perfectionism or kind of a false pride. I was working with a client who had a sticky note about going into a website portal to check on one of his loved ones. This person wanted to go in the portal, but he was unclear of the “how.” Behind that lack of clarity was this, ‘I don’t want to ask for help’ behind it, this false pride. The result was procrastination. So if you’ve ever experienced procrastination like this, please take heed. What we need to do is we want to trick our minds into recognizing that asking for help will help the person helping you, and help you to get traction along the way! Releasing any Should or Shame or Pride is an act of self-love. 

Love and Becoming Visible

If you are an entrepreneur, you must “be visible” – it’s the first step in building authority. However, it’s easy to procrastinate, hide, and get distracted…so you don’t quite “get out there” the way you know you “should.”

TRY THIS EXERCISE: Think about one of your clients, or perhaps somebody that knows you really well, and ask yourself: what they would say about you?  What makes your gifts so special- that they probably don’t get from almost anybody else? That is your superpower. 

We often do not see these things in ourselves; not the way others see us. And because we don’t see it, because it’s our normal, we don’t pay any mind to it. The superpower just goes “unsaid”. And because it goes unsaid, we don’t pour more love into it and we don’t radiate it. When we don’t radiate our superpower, we sweep our gifts under the rug. We stay small, and underestimate ourselves. Then we wonder why we don’t succeed.

“What quality would your loved ones say that you have that’s unique and really special” is a really important question to answer. The answer will help you with other procrastination. For example, I have a client who is struggling with ‘getting out there’, getting out  in front of an audience, even though she is incredibly talented at her craft. There’s a lot of negative voices that tend to stop her in her tracks.  Her solution? 

She said, “I’m going to go out there and I’m going to pretend that I’m going on this amazing date, this date that’s going to change the rest of my life.  A date where potentially I meet my new love and we have the life of our dreams, and I’m going to take that kind of date energy, and I’m going to bring it into my business.” 

Wow! What a mind flip! 

That returns us to the theme of loving up your business, loving up yourself, loving up your vocation, giving to yourself, and recognizing your superpowers. From that energy that she would then take to be out in the world from there, she’s going to present her superpowers, which in her case is what she calls ‘drunk on beauty!’  She sees, she photographs and she sees beautiful things everywhere and that’s her superpower. She sees beauty in people, and she sees beauty in landscapes, and she’s drunk on beauty (probably why I like her so much, and probably why we get along so well). 

Love, Procrastination, and Getting out there…the answer from me is, like so many times, is to really dig deep. One final tip…a script. Next time you’re talking to a client, just say, 

“Hey, I know this sounds crazy, but what do you see in me that is of particular value? Because I follow Carol Williams, and she says I’m supposed to ask, I feel so silly asking, but would you mind just telling me?” 

You’ll then learn something, and that exchange in and of itself helps the love flow. And when we have love flowing only good things come. 

So thank you very much. Go forth, do good work.

In love, visibility, and awesomeness,

Coach Carol

PS: Comment below: What do you believe your superpower to be, and how are you going to use it this week?

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February…the month of Love. Yes, it’s the Hallmark holiday month: Valentine’s Day. Regardless of what you think of Hallmark (I don’t think much of Hallmark) I DO love “love”. How does love relate to you, your productivity, and stepping into your best self, and loving your whole self, including loving up your business self?

To quote Louise Hay, “Remember, you have been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.”  When we approve of ourselves, we now love ourselves. How might this relate to procrastination and getting things done?

I was working with a client who had been trying to get her business off the ground for a long while, and she knew she could do it, but those negative voices, those critical ones, just wouldn’t quit. When she tried out some time management strategies, they seemed to not really work. For example, time blocking is one of the methods that I suggest people try when they manage their time.  Time blocking means that you say, “I’m going to spend a couple of hours working on this particular task during that time”. Sounds simple and easy, right?

Continue reading, or watch the video below

It is…except…for those voices. And lots of other issues. For example, if we’re not sure “what” we’re doing, or perhaps how to approach it, procrastination takes hold. Maybe the task/project is  something new, so getting traction is hard, and getting distracted is really easy. And what of those negative voices saying “you don’t know what you’re doing. Why don’t you go do something productive?” Or maybe your kids really need you or…..well, you get the picture. This happens, and the towel gets thrown in. You may then ascertain that those “you will never manage your time” voices are right, after all.

Self-love is the answer.  When it gets extreme, I pull out “extreme self care.”

I implemented Extreme Self Care in February 2017 (when I first started Wisdom Warriors), a lot of CHAOS was going on in my life with regard to my boys (I did talk about that in Wisdom Warriors, let me know if you want the recording as it’s a pretty good story).  I was in a kind of inertia, and those voices… “I’ll never make it”, “I’ll never be able to succeed in my business”, “I’ll never be able to succeed in life given everything going on”, no matter how I time block were screaming relentlessly. I could not see a way out, so I started  ‘extreme self-love’, and that might also be called ‘radical self-acceptance’. 

We must do what Louise Hay says: stop criticizing ourselves and start accepting ourselves. However, I recommend you don’t just go to ‘acceptance’. Go to is extreme self-love, and extreme self-care. How I got myself out of my funk back in 2017 is this. I asked myself,, “what is the most kind and beautiful thing I could do for myself right now?” I had almost no money, so it’s not like I was going to go to a big spa day at the Ritz!  Now, if you wanna go to a big spa day at the Ritz and you have the resources to do it, I think you should, if that’s what you want to do. However, if you don’t, you get to decide what would work for you – it could be a warm bath, or it could be no longer buying potato chips and wine to drown out your sorrows. It can be taking yourself out for a latte. It can be saying “I’m just going to do one hour on this business strategy – I don’t know if it’s going to work or not, but I’m going to try it and it’s okay if it doesn’t work” – that too can be extreme self-love. It could be dancing! Whatever it is for you, simply do it. Don’t overthink it!

No negative voices? Great! Let’s go to your New Year Goals. We are six or so weeks into 2023. Where are you with your goals?

• If you are on track, go love yourself and reward yourself.
• If you are stuck, ask your ‘child within’ what he or she needs. Honor that.
• If you were your best friend, what might you say to yourself?

I’d love for you to let me know what you will do for extreme self-love, extreme self-care and radical self-acceptance here in the month of February. Hit reply and let me know!