Category: Confidence

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Boundaries Confidence prioritize Time strategies

Know anyone who tells you “life got in the way” of what they wanted?

Have you ever been going along just fine in your business and your life, and then all of a sudden an event occurs- seemingly out of nowhere?

Maybe a loved one had an accident, maybe your spouse lost their job, maybe a snowstorm came in and you lost your electricity, or another natural disaster. 

I call this “life getting in the way.”

On April 28th, life got in the way for me.  On this date, I was informed that my father got into a big accident – a fall. It is now almost a month later, and we are still experiencing issues from this fall, and like many other people my age, I am now faced with adding the needs of my parents to my already very busy life.

Many times, my clients tell me that’s their biggest problem: they were going along fine and then life got in the way. I have three tips to help.

  1. When you believe that things are going a little off the rails (you are going to laugh at this one), double down on your self-care.  There’s a lot of conversation around self-care. Maybe it’s ‘just take a hot bath’ or ‘go to a massage’, or ‘go get acupuncture.’ My version:  do what makes you feel like you. For me, I dance, I get out in nature, and I allow myself the pleasures that make me happy. This weekend I’m planning on going to the ocean and I’m going to lay in the warm sand and I’m going to listen to the surf and I’m going to go out to eat. And it’s going to be amazing. I  ask myself ‘How are you loving yourself right now?’ 

Read on or watch the video.

  1. Clear the deck. I am right now not accepting any new appointments. I’m not making any new plans. I’m not necessarily crowding my schedule. If anything, I’m removing things. I just did a live video over at the UnscatterMe Facebook community that showed that we removed our fence from the backyard about a month ago – and sometimes removing is a great productivity strategy.  It’s a way to see into the woods.  Before there was a fence – and now I can see into the woods. Removing is a beautiful thing, removing things from your calendar. 
  1. Set your expectations with reality. I am a high achiever. I get a lot done, and I get it done in a short amount of time, with work and at home. I was once called Kali, the Goddess who has many different hands, and I am Goddess Kali.  This new situationI find myself in, however, feels like an octopus with lots of different tentacles and a lack of clarity. To that end, I release this expectation to get to the goals that I had planned on before -because I am not Kali. God is Kali right now. I am simply Carol. I am able to do what I can do. To do that, let’s return to the first tip: taking care of herself. I have to love myself. I have to eat good food, drink plenty of water, and once in a while, have a glass of wine. I must stay active, stay out in the sunshine and in nature whenever possible.

Let me know what parts of your life might be getting in your way and what tips inspired you and what your next step is. I’d love to hear it. If I can do it, you can too 🙂

Categories
Accountability Confidence

How to cut your decision time from 20 days to 15 minutes and feel peaceful

Hello and welcome to ‘Nature Today’ with Carol. I recorded the video outdoors, and it is a beautiful May day here in New Hampshire.Today is about overwhelm and how it impacts decision making. When overwhelmed, decisions can be really hard. I just got off a call with a client and she was feeling rather overwhelmed with a big decision she had to make. She is in several courses right now to do several certifications. She needed to decide, do I go for my big certification in November, or do I wait till next April? And she said that she had until the end of this month to decide. Now, I pointed out that that was really only 20 days. And she said, “yes, I have 20 days to decide” but by the end of our 30 minute call, she had made her decision, she had a best-next-step that would get her to that decision. I believe we did that part of the call in maybe 10 or 15 minutes!  We identified what exactly was holding her back from making that next step to make that decision and that was that she needed to reach out to somebody and she wasn’t sure about reaching out to that person. Wow!

Read on, or watch the video

Decisions are multi-level. When we are going for something big, like a big certification or a big life change, I’m going to call that ‘hard change’. ‘Hard Change’ is a phrase coined by Michael Bungee Stainer. Hard change involves saying ‘no’ to what’s worked for you so far, for the present you. Let that land for a moment. The woman that I was speaking to realized that she’s going to have to say ‘no’ to some things so that she can say ‘yes’ to this larger certification. ‘Saying ‘no’ now enables you to say ‘yes’ to the promise of future rewards’. You’re going to be playing a harder long-term, bigger game with a constant temptation, a constant temptation to opt out for a short term win. 

I have another client that at the beginning of our engagement, said “I would like to do X, Y, Z and I would like you to help me out with it” and as this person went along he was finding that he was getting kind of pushed over this way and pushed over that way with things that he wanted to do in the moment. And what he’s begun to realize is that saying ‘yes’ to those things in the moment is not allowing him to get to that bigger, longer term goal. So it’s really important for you to dig deep into that bigger, longer term goal. Ask, ‘Is this something I really want?’ I’ll go back to my client earlier with the certifications – she put herself into that ‘future you’ condition when she was going to have that certification and that had her know from the bottom of the earth that this was what she was meant to do in the world, and how she would then feel. And she was able to say ‘yes, I can now take a step’. The other person that I’m talking about hasn’t done that level of discernment – so that’s why I offer my deep discernment course that starts today – May 11 as I record this. It starts today, and if you would like to join us from week two, there are still a few spots available because I now have two cohorts instead of just one. 

If this is you and you are thinking:

  • I know I need that deep discernment. I didn’t think I needed it.
  • I didn’t think I was a thing. But now that you’re telling me these stories about the ‘hard change’ and the ‘future you’ and what you have to do and how easy it sounds and how hard it actually is, I feel like I wanna know more about this deep discernment and how it can help me

If that’s you, please hit reply and let me know, and we’ll see if you’re the right fit. If it’s not you, I hope that this has informed you in some way, inspired you in some way, and I would love to know a little bit about what your big ‘aha’ is. I’m going to leave you with one more thing. If you over-plant a garden, what’s going to happen is the plants will crowd each other out and none of them will do really well. So that’s why when we garden, we also weed, we take out and we thin out to allow the plants that we want to grow to really flourish. 

That’s what I want for you in the realm of your decisions of what you really want and why, so that you accomplish those things and feel GREAT about yourself!

Categories
Balance Boundaries Confidence Growth

How to say NO clearly and comfortably

In our last blog post, we talked about the reasons why you should say NO sometimes and how that little word can help you gain clarity in your own goals.

In this post, we’re going to look at key ways that you can say no and mean no, but do it kindly, too.

1. No excuses.

It’s often the prevarication around the word NO that causes all the problems.  Because we feel uncomfortable in refusing a request, we often feel we need to provide excuses or beat around the bush, rather than plainly saying “no”.  It’s this evasion that provides the window of opportunity for others to mistake our NO for a YES and, before we know, we’ve agreed to the request we were hell-bent on refusing!

Instead, just be straight.  Don’t stall or hesitate.  Your refusal is enough.  You can offer a brief explanation if you wish, but don’t feel duty-bound to.  Be assertive, yet courteous.  A response along the lines of, “I’m sorry, I can’t right now, let me come back to you when and if I can” resets the power dynamic in the conversation, putting you in control.

2. Boundaries are there for a reason.

Your personal boundaries are set by you and give you the best compass of whether you should say yes or no to a request.  How will the other person feel if you say no?  By looking at, and understanding, the dynamics of your relationship with them, you will see that a good relationship can withstand your refusal to one task.  If you feel the relationship will suffer by your refusal, then surely that says more about your relationship than anything else?

3. Put yourself first.

Be firm in your refusal.  Don’t feel compelled to say yes simply because the other person won’t like a refusal.  It’s essential you put your needs first.  If you constantly try and please all of the people all of the time, you’ll simply end up pleasing no one!  In order to be the best version of yourself, you need time and space to grow and this means having the wherewithal to say NO when that request takes you too far off your own track.  Besides, in order to give to others, you need to have something to give, so feel comfortable in saying no.

In summary, remember that YOU come first.  Don’t feel bad about furthering your own success by saying NO to others. 

You’ll often find that a firm, polite NO will increase the other person’s respect for you and allow them to see things from your perspective. 

Go on, give it a try!

Categories
Balance Confidence Goal Setting Time strategies

3 ways to make sure your “No” is not hurting you

Picture the scenario: You’re at the office water cooler, when a colleague breezes by and adopts that puppy-dog expression, which signals they want something.  As it turns out, “something” has come up and they can no longer do the presentation at the department meeting on Friday.  Would you mind taking over?

You have no background on the task.  You are snowed under with your own work and yet, instead of refusing, you hear a voice say

“Sure! Happy to help”…

Sound familiar?

It’s happened to us all.  That conviction that we would rather inconvenience ourselves than we would let anyone else down.  We just don’t like feeling we’re the bad guy (or gal) and feel guilty over prioritizing our own wishes and wellbeing.

But, I’m here to show you why it’s okay to say “NO” and how you can do so and still sleep at night.  Here goes:

1. How saying NO to others is really saying YES to yourself.

“When you say ‘Yes’ to others, make sure you are not saying ‘No’ to yourself.” ~ Paolo Coelho

Let me ask you a question. When you take a look at your to-do list, how many of the things on that list are for you and how many for someone else?  Sure, it’s nice to be needed, but doing too much for others not only leaves the situation open to abuse, and can also leave you over-extended, while you rush to fulfil those obligations or responsibilities – and even resentful, with no “you” time left in the day.

That’s not to say that you should point-blank refuse to help anyone.  The key is one little word: discernment and learning to say ‘no’ when it means saying ‘yes’ to yourself.  Practising discernment is key to building and maintaining those healthy boundaries that we have discussed in previous blog posts. Ask yourself, will saying YES to any request will get you nearer to your own goals and success, or will you simply be helping someone else get nearer their own?

2. What to do if you’re not sure what you’re saying YES to.

Again, we’ve probably all been in a situation where we have put our own agenda to one side and picked up a task for someone else, only to find that the task is WAY BIGGER than we originally thought (or were led to believe) and how does that make us feel?  Resentful? Put-upon? Stressed?  Check, check and check. 

Communication is key here.  Never be afraid to ask those “stupid” questions and check the fine details of the task ahead.  After all, if you’re going out of your way to pick up a job that is someone else’s responsibility, the least they can do is ensure you’re fully armed with the information and equipment you need to succeed.  It’s perfectly okay to ask for further clarification before you decide whether to accept or decline a request, too.  Far better to have clarity before you decide than to say “yes” blindly.  It’s perfectly acceptable to request time to consider your answer too.  “Let me check and get back to you” is all you need to say.  No need for reasons, but this magic little phrase will also give you the option to refuse without looking/feeling bad.  “I’m sorry, I checked my diary and I have something else on.” lets you off the hook pain-free.

3. Getting comfortable with NO

How can one little word make us squirm so hard?  If you want to get comfortable with saying no, then you first need to gain clarity in defining what you’re comfortable saying yes to and, conversely, what you feel better saying no to.  This is your life, your agenda, your needs and desires we’re talking about people! If you want to lead the life you want, then getting comfortable with aligning others’ requests with your own goals is paramount.  If you’re still unsure about saying no, give it a practice.  Think of one small thing that you can say NO to and give it a whirl.  Try it out and get some balance back in your life.

Hopefully, the look at the bigger picture of why it’s okay to say no sometimes will help you to achieve success in your own life. Remember that saying NO to others may allow you to say YES to yourself!

In our next blog, we’re going to be looking at some ways to say NO without upsetting anyone, without feeling guilty ourselves and without losing friends!

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Confidence Growth Mastermind Groups

3 Ways To Catapult Your Success In 2019

In our last blog, we looked at the power of leveraging more than one mind in your business success.  Now, following on from that, let’s discuss ways to put that success into turbo drive in 2019.

  1. The power of hyperfocus.

Big picture thinking is usually where we start with any new idea.  The mind maps, the brain-storming sessions, the “getting it all down on paper” phase is great.  It allows all our thought processes, our ideas to come together; a visual representation of what’s been milling around in our brains.  But, what then?  How does this translate into the steps needed to succeed?

The answer is hyperfocus.  This is the ability to focus on one thing, to the exclusion of all else for an extended period.  Use your time to focus on one point at a time, without distraction, and then move on to the next.  By working in this way, you can avoid distraction and maximise productivity, which in turn leads to a focused to-do list of tasks that you can work to, rather than a vague idea.

  1. Be selective about how you spend your time.

The interesting thing about being productive is that it is about becoming selective in what you do, not trying to do everything.  The truth is, the more work we must do, the more “frazzled” our brain becomes and we end up working on counter-productive tasks, simply because they are in front of us.

It’s okay to say “no” to certain opportunities, for example. Don’t go down the route of stacking more demands on your already laden plate.

Remember from our October blog, we discussed how free time is vital time? That free time, time to dream, time to rest, recharge, reenergize and regain perspective is vital.

We see productivity as getting more done, which to most of us, translates as spending more time and effort on tasks.  In fact, it is just the opposite.  In order to achieve more, we need to focus on less.  Spend our time on the goals that matter, and work in a way that brings maximum value to our time.

  1. Leverage your Mastermind Group

How much time do you spend marketing your business? It’s possibly the biggest time-suck of all.  Keeping up to date with social media, with networking, with lead generation; it all takes time.

But this is where your Mastermind Group is invaluable. Your group peers all have their own personal networks, just waiting for you to explore! You know the saying, “If you don’t ask, you don’t get”? Well, ask for referrals, ask to be recommended to potential leads, really leverage that group – an be prepared to reciprocate.

So, in conclusion, although you may be self-employed, that doesn’t mean you have to be isolated.  How good would it feel to have a group of compatriots there who have got your back and who, you, in turn could support? A win-win situation for all participants.  New friendships, new collaborations, new encouragement. What’s not to love?

Categories
Confidence Goal Setting Positive Thinking

How to completely change bad habits, once and for all.

In our last blog, we talked about resolutions and how they so often seem to fall by the wayside.  Often, this can be because the resolution necessitates a change in long-held habits.  While it’s not easy to break the habits of a lifetime, it can be done.  Here are three pointers to help you on your way:

  1. The brain science behind habit.

Habits are derived from constant repetition of an action or emotion into our brains. Add in the pleasure derived from that action and before long, you have an almighty craving established. If you want to break the habit, then you need to start with the pattern of behavior, the trigger to that habit. Instead of going onto “Auto-pilot” and doing what you’ve always done, adopt a more mindful approach.  Identify what triggers the behavior in the first place, plan a way to side step these and, in so doing, a way to “push-back” against that “auto-pilot” action.

2. One habit per month is more than enough.

Remember that any change takes time.  Your brain is an oh-so-marvellous thing! It will do its darnedest to resist any change, because, well, it’s just easier that way! Instead of being in a rush to change all those habits at once, concentrate on slow and steady.  One habit-change per month will give you time to focus on changes for good and allow your brain to accept that changes are coming. More importantly, it will become your “new normal!”

3. An ingrained habit becomes part of you.

Remember the saying, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over, but expecting a different result”? well, your habits are so ingrained that, often you don’t even have to think about them, they just happen.

Rather than concentrating on the break, focus on a positive change. By substituting, rather than stopping, we can make small changes that can contribute to overriding the habit and, instead, set us on a different path (one that ties in with those resolutions we made in our previous blog) Pretty soon, our new actions will become ingrained and we won’t even realize it.

 

In summary, if we adopt a more mindful approach to our everyday thoughts and actions, we are able to understand the triggers that underpin them. Identifying the reasons why we reach for a cigarette or maybe a glass of wine at the end of the day is critical to this process.  Remember that change takes time and any small step in the right direction is a positive move towards our goal. If we are aware of those harmful practices, the habits that keep us from being our true selves, then we are well on the way to a sense of fulfilment and honesty within our lives.  So, here’s to resolutions and the new you just waiting to emerge!

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