Author: Carol Williams

In my previous blog, I looked at the fundamentals of over-giving – why we do it and the potential cost of this mindset to us and those close to us.

In this blog, I’m going to explore how we turn that mindset on its head and give freely, while maintaining our values.

How to give like a Go-Giver and still earn a profit

Let me start this section by saying that being a Go-Giver; giving your best and giving generously, does NOT mean that you must give your offering, whether that’s time, support, whatever, for free.  Instead, focus on the value that you can bring to a situation.  It’s about being authentic in everything you do and, instead of giving to the point of exhaustion, it’s about effectively communicating the value of your offering,

How to provide value and invite the sale without feeling “sleezy.”

The key here is to focus on communication.  When we communicate clearly and with authenticity, then our value becomes apparent and may, ultimately be rewarded. In order to achieve this, we need to ensure that we’re listening to the wants and needs of our audience.  It’s not about a quick sale, or having a “buy, buy, buy” mentality; it’s much more about identifying the “pain points” of that person and identifying the added value that we can bring to their life; the problems they experience that we can solve.  If we can do this, then we start to build a relationship of “know, like and trust” and it’s from this relationship that sales spring eternal!

How to stay in integrity with your values, and still freely give: it’s possible

It really is possible to live a life of authentically giving, while making a profit and making those sales, as long as you honor your personal boundaries.  Problems occur when we ignore the boundaries we may have worked hard to previously identify and enforce, because we feel we need to give more that we are, perhaps, comfortable with.  Instead, if we focus on our boundaries and give only within those limits, then we can give freely and with integrity…and be able to live with ourselves, too!

We would probably all like to think that we’re generous people, giving freely of our time, our support, even our opinions, but what if we give too much? What if we continue giving to such an extent that there really isn’t anything left to give? What then?

What is over-giving?

Let’s start by comparing generous giving with over-giving. Generous giving comes from a place of plenty, where our own needs have been met and we therefore feel able to be bountiful to others. It’s generally done on an impulse and leaves us feeling good about ourselves.

Over-giving, on the other hand, tends to come, not from generosity, but from some hidden need. It’s a transaction where we expect something in return – gratitude, praise or appreciation.

Why might you be doing this?

Consider what might be going on “behind the scenes.” Might your over-giving be coming from a place of guilt? If this is sounding familiar, then take a look at why you behave like this. It could come down to a need to feel good about yourself. Perhaps it’s more to do with ego and the need to be perceived as stronger/wiser/smarter. Maybe you fool yourself with the mantra that “no one else can do this except me” or maybe you’re hoping to be appreciated or loved.

What can happen if you don’t turn this around?

Whatever the reason, the cost of over-giving can be high, both for ourselves and those around us. When we over-give, we tend to do it because we feel we “should” or “have to”. This might mean that, in that moment, our personal boundaries get pushed to one side and become less important. This can result in us feeling upset, devalued and this, in turn, plays havoc with our self-esteem. It’s a vicious circle, because the lower our self-esteem, the more our need for approval; to feel better about ourselves, so we hop on the hamster wheel of over-giving once more.

Have you considered the negative effect that always stepping into the breach may have on others? When we constantly do something for others, we actually can STOP THEIR SUCCESS. Wow. And I will bet that this is actually the OPPOSITE of what you had in mind. In extreme circumstances, this can in turn manifest as controlling behavior, where someone feels unable to complete a task, without our input.

In my next blog, I’ll look at how you can give more and get more in 3 easy steps, without losing your sanity or your self-esteem and how you can stop that hamster wheel of over-giving in its tracks.

In my last blog, we looked at ways to “remember to remember.”  In this blog, we’ll look at how to gain that seemingly elusive peace, while maintaining productivity.

Stop overcommitting with ease

First, I invite you to step back and “widen your lens” on life.  This is about practical life – the duties, the obligations and the must-do’s that we all tick off daily.  While we all juggle so many balls in the air, from business, to family, to social obligations, the first step to inner productivity peace is to revisit those priorities and assess whether they all are must-do-now’s or whether some of them can be assigned a second place on the list.  This prioritization may spur you to lift some tasks off your list.  It’s important to learn to say no, politely, yet firmly to anything that does not fit in with you and your plans.

Remember “the thing” without turning around in your driveway

In our “busy, busy, busy” lives, how often have you been derailed because you’ve forgotten an item, forgotten a meeting or simply forgotten to check?  It’s so easy to do when running life at full pelt.  To combat this, factor in a few minutes de-brief at the end of one day in preparation for the next. Visualize the next day – what do you need to have with you for each task on your to-do? I, personally, cannot overestimate the power of a good reminder note.  It doesn’t matter whether you invest in an online organizer, a planner or a good old-fashioned sticky note on the refrigerator door– how about a checklist on the inside of the front door, so you can’t miss it on your way out? Use whatever works for you.

The keys to peace, productivity, and true happiness

If your life could do with a little help on the organization front, then why not try these quick tips? 

• Try writing everything down – sounds simple and it is.  It’s much more difficult to forget when everything is written down in one place. 
• Second, is to attack the most dreaded task first.  No procrastination allowed! Get that “big” task off your list and imagine the sense of achievement you’ll feel.  Perhaps list all your to-dos and just start at the top.  There’s nothing quite like checking them off as you go. 
• Minimize distractions by turning your phone to silent or switching it off until the task is complete. 
• Lastly, try the ultimate time-saver – batching your tasks.  By reviewing your list, you may see commonality between tasks and, by combining them, you may find you save some precious time. 

If that’s the case, why not use that time to give yourself a little reward?  Maybe a few minutes enjoying a coffee in a coffee shop, or enjoying time outdoors?  You deserve it!

Have you ever had a task that’s so big or so scary that you just haven’t quite known where to start?  You’re so in awe of the task itself that getting down to it and getting it done requires as much discipline as the task itself.  Sound familiar?

Sometimes, the thought of this mammoth or difficult task just plays right into our tendency to procrastinate, or to spend a protracted period in the planning stage, rather than the execution.

How lack of Follow Through is hurting your reputation

While this is all very human, it could be damaging your reputation. Lack of follow through is not just about wasting time, it can also be about waking up one day to the realization that time and opportunities have passed you by. Get yourself a reputation as “the one who never makes good on his/her word” and people will believe this before they ever give you a chance to prove otherwise.

What’s behind the scenes, and how this effects your productivity

Enter the vicious circle of procrastination and lack of self-esteem.  We often procrastinate because we lack of self-confidence, and our inconsistency in following through not only reinforces this but it hurts that self esteem even more. Our question, “What’s wrong with me?  Why can’t I just do it?” leads to self-doubt and may affect us to such an extent that we refuse opportunities for fear that we won’t be able to complete them, so why bother trying? The more we hear negative talk, the more we believe it. The key to stopping this negative belief system in its tracks is to catch that inner critic.  Listen to your thoughts and self-talk.  Learn to notice when these negative thought patterns occur and when you say something to yourself that you wouldn’t say to someone else. Now, try replacing the bad with some good; If your negativity is well-entrenched, this might take some repetition for the positive to “stick”, but, as the saying goes, “practice makes comfortable”.

Easy Tips to start looking like the Superstar you truly are

So, how can you fight a lack of follow-through? The first tip I have is to use the power of visualization. Picture the benefits of following through – How will others react when you present the completed project or task? Then consider the effects that procrastination will have on the situation; your reputation will suffer, you’ll have to make excuses etc. When confronting that task, picture yourself successfully completing every stage of the process, from a short but effective planning session, through to effective execution.  Notice how you feel at each stage.

Another great tip is to open up to friends and family.  Allow them to know that you’re struggling.  This can work in a few ways.  You might feel embarrassed to admit that you doubt your ability to complete a task.  Vulnerability could be the motivation you need to spur into action. Alternatively, you may feel able to laugh with friends over the situation. This might help gain some perspective, allowing you to minimize the scary aspects of the task.  Others may also have a different view and be able to suggest ways to get the job done.

The third tip is to know that “done is better than perfect”.  So often we have such high expectations of ourselves that we would never be able to reach, so we just don’t try.  Instead, concentrate on small steps to enable completion of the task in hand rather than worrying because it’s just not perfect. 

In my next blog, we’ll be looking at the key steps you can take to increasing your productivity and harnessing that inner zen.

In our previous blog, we delved into the change of mindset that is needed to enable us to switch from a reactive mindset to a proactive one. In this blog, we’ll be discovering how those with an AD/HD brain can deal with heightened reaction.

Many people with AD/HD are really sensitive and emotional. And, as amazing of a gift as this is, it can get in the way. The AD/HD brain has a different working memory structure. This can allow an emotion to become too strong, flooding the brain with intense emotion. This part of the brain distinguishes between dangerous threats and more minor problems, so an AD/HD brain can find it difficult to deal “rationally and realistically” with events.  This can feel like a real burden at times; you may experience strong emotions to something that others seem to take in their stride.  It might feel like you’re out of control and you should “just be able to control it like everyone else.”

The great news is…learning about and accepting what’s going on can really help.

• It’s your brain, not you: Many people with AD/HD have DESR also. DESR is Deficient Emotional Self-Regulation. This is thought to be caused by a fold of tissue in the middle of the brain called the Cingulate Gyrus. It appears to play a big role in how reactive a person is, and, stimulant medications can help this tissue act more in accordance with a non-AD/HD brain.  By understanding this, rather than thinking you are simply being over-emotional, you start to take back control of the situation.  This can help you avoid unnecessary self-criticism.

• Society loves immediate: We live in an “immediate” society; everything happens at such speed that we kind of accept immediacy as the norm. We all love to appear efficient and “on the ball”, (who doesn’t love the feelings that come from a “thanks for responding so quickly” reply to your email?) and we all love the appreciation that stems from that immediacy.  So much so, that we likely respond quickly again …to not only THIS person but to more…who does not love “getting answers and praise?” Yet, this is a double-edged sword. The dopamine fix we get with this also depletes us by the end of the day and does not allow for our longer term (not immediate) yet important tasks/projects to be completed – resulting in a longer-term sense of failure. Instead of going for the “instant fix” resulting from an immediate reply, it’s far better to adopt a measured approach; allowing time for you to formulate the correct response and also giving yourself a break.  The recipient won’t think any less of you, but the extra time will allow you to pace yourself and banish that sense of disappointment and failure.

• Avoid the embarrassment: It’s embarrassing sometimes, to allow our mouth to precede our brains. However, with:
  • The right medications
  • Practicing the pause (breathe)
  • Accepting “progress not perfection” as a mantra

we can reduce reactions, get more (of the important things) done in less time, and feel much better about ourselves.

Although experiencing these traits can seem like a burden at times, by recognizing them and learning techniques to help you control them and maybe even turn them to your advantage!

How skilled are you in “Mastering the Moment”?  You know, those life situations where you feel overwhelmed, albeit temporarily, by anger, despair, nervousness or confusion? 

In these situations, how we choose to deal with these negative emotions can make the difference between proactive versus reactive behavior, success and failure.

The problem with “reaction” is that it happens after the event.  It’s how we act when faced with an already-occurring situation and is governed by the event itself.  We let the event control our behavior while we scramble just to stay afloat.  Proactivity, on the other hand, allows us to face situations with some degree of confidence, with an “I’ve got this” kind of attitude.  You’ve anticipated any struggles along the way and instead of running away from them, you’re able to accept them as part of the ride.

Being proactive isn’t a gift given to some and not others; there are ways that you can develop this quality and roll with the ebb and flow of the tide, instead of constantly crashing against the shore. 

Here are three ways to help you

1. Foundations are key

In the same way that a tree with strong roots will weather a storm, if you have your “roots” set in a healthy foundation, you’ll find it easier to be positive when faced with a trying situation.  Following a healthy routine including exercise, healthy eating and lastly, meditation will result in a calmer, more positive you.  Instead of seeing your limitations, you’ll give yourself some all-important space; space that will allow you to focus on solutions, rather than being hit full-face with each problem as it arises

One of the biggest aids you can gift yourself is taking time to be self-aware. When you feel the “rush” of reaction, pause.  Instead of jumping straight in and letting that reaction control you, just pause and breathe. 

One inhale and one exhale.

It’s all about giving yourself that space, again, to formulate your response.  

Next time, you’ll find it much easier to understand not only the potential issues that might occur with any negative situation, but also understand and appreciate how this situation triggers you.

3. Practice

Understand how easy it is to take back control of any situation by practising the “power of the pause”. 

Instead of letting the chain of events control you and set the agenda, by pausing, perhaps with a “leave that with me, I’ll come back to you tomorrow” response.  Again, that pause is the most powerful weapon in your arsenal! By visualizing a variety of circumstances and practicing your response, you’ll never be caught on the back foot again. 

If you’ve spent a lifetime in a reactionary frame of mind, changing that to a proactive mindset is not going to be an overnight thing.  It’s going to take some time and effort to alter the habits of a lifetime.  But rest assured that switching from reactive to proactive can be done.  It’s about recognizing the power within yourself and harnessing it. 

In my next blog, we will take a peek at how YOU as a person blessed with an AD/HD brain can identify specific strategies for Reactions.