Author: Carol Williams

Learn the number one way to de-stuckify yourself from the chain of expectation.

Living up to other people’s expectation begins in the very early stages of our development. From the moment we are born, our parents or carers establish rules on how we should behave, the schooling system implements educational standards and as we grow older and get our first job, expectations are put on us by our employers. And just like that, we can find ourselves always trying to live up to the expectation of others. But when it is time to de-stuckify yourself from those expectations? Do you find yourself in the never-ending spiral of trying to please other people? Is this leading you be to be unhappy?

If you can resonate with these feelings – You are NOT alone. So how can you liberate yourself from people’s expectations to live your life how you want to and make everyone around you happier in the long term? What do you need to know and what steps can you take?

• Expectations are rarely an accurate gauge on what is right for YOU. It’s important to remember that even with the best intentions, other people’s expectations will be based on the standards they set for themselves and therefore it’s very likely that these expectations won’t align with your own goals. Only you know what is right for you.

• Know your values and what’s important to you – discovering what you want from YOUR life is essential to setting your boundaries and to protecting yourself from other people’s expectations. Do you want to parent your children in a certain way? Perhaps you want to run your business different to how others around you are doing it? Imagine yourself in a scenario where no one was telling you what you should do, what would you decide? What would you choose to do? This exercise is key to finding out what it is that you REALLY want from your life. While this can seem obvious, most people don’t even think to spend time on it. And it can actually be a little scary!

• Cut the chain of expectation at the very top – this one really is a “practice makes perfect” kind of exercise and it’s not always going to be easy. When you clearly set out your boundaries from the beginning and learn to speak up without fear of being judged, you’ll eventually be able to liberate yourself from other people’s standards and expectations and lead the life you have always wanted.  Wait. Then it’s all up to you. Nobody to blame, or be angry with….let that one sit….

• Always remember that these are other people’s expectations and not yours, therefore it’s their problem, NOT yours. Learning to remove yourself from the emotional side of these expectations will allow you to bring them into perspective and decide if they are right for you. Don’t take on other expectations as your own. Listen to them (sometimes that’s all it takes) and then take time to put the words into perspective.

• Finally, be kind to yourself – it’s true that you can’t control what others think of you or say to you. You CAN control how you speak to yourself. This is the first step to leading a happier life. And it can be really, really hard to stop the negative nelly to YOURSELF. Nurturing your inner self, treating yourself with respect and accepting who you are will allow you to make decisions that will lead you on the right path to success. ENLIST YOUR FRIENDS TO HELP!

To achieve true happiness within your own life, it’s vital that you learn to remove yourself from other people’s expectations and learn to live your life by your standards. Always living life by what other people want you to do can cause frustration as well as resentment and it’s difficult to build a happy mind from this rocky base. When the biggest priority in your life is being liked for what you do, the main goal becomes just that, and you can quickly lose sight of what you actually want. Always push yourself to the next level of success but don’t let other people tell you what success looks like for you because only you can know that.

I’ll leave you with this powerful quote – “I’m not in this world to live up to your expectations and you’re not in this world to live up to mine.”

 

‘‘Failures are finger posts on the road to achievement’

-C.S. Lewis

So many are afraid to fail. Fear, conscious or (most likely) subconscious, sits at the root of almost all progress forward or upward. Our biology, both mind and body, wants to keep us safe. So, we play it safe.

And safe is the worst possible mind to be in when you’re planning for Good Things To Happen in the New Year. For now….let’s talk about “failures” – head on.

The old…“why should I bother? Look at the last two years. Right?” comes to mind.

Here are 3 points to consider. I’m including some “trigger words,” so be warned!

1. Pivot… Pivot! PIVOT! This classic ‘Friends’ scene never fails to make me laugh – three people of the main cast attempt to move a couch up a stairwell which is far too small to accommodate it, with hilarious results. While a lot of people would probably also have been reminded of that same sketch prior to the pandemic, the term ‘pivot’ now seems to be a trigger for “bad memories of 2020” for a lot of people thanks to its portrayal in the media as ‘the only way’ for them to survive the pandemic. Under the circumstances, this negative association isn’t surprising, and neither is the desire to avoid trying anything new after a tumultuous two years in both our personal and business lives. (Isn’t that odd?)

However, this negativity is a real threat to our mental health and the viability of our businesses as it makes us see change as something to fear rather than embrace, so it’s vital we reframe our thinking and open ourselves back up to positive change once more and include it in our plans for 2022 in order to THRIVE rather than just survive.

WATCH THIS RIGHT NOW…the ‘Pivot’ scene I mentioned. You deserve a belly laugh, and it might just be the first step towards breaking that “2020 association” for good.

2. Why is pivoting so important anyway? While most of us (hopefully) haven’t tried to move a couch up a stairwell ourselves like in the sketch above, I’m sure there have been times where all of us have found ourselves stuck when it comes to our business and future, and that is when pivoting can be the best way to turn a ‘failure’ into an opportunity for success. If something in your life or business isn’t working out, making a big change and trying a new or adapted route can often be a better use of your time and resources than banging your head against a proverbial brick wall. This way, you can still use the positive, working parts of your original plan while also removing the deadweight that’s getting in the way of your success. For that reason, I like to plan ‘pivot points’ for myself throughout the year to give myself chances to step back and re-evaluate where I am in relation to my goals, then take action for change if necessary, BEFORE my hand is forced. This gives me a real opportunity to ‘check in’ with myself from a healthy headspace and see both the forest AND the trees. Try working in 90-day Sprints….it works!

3. What to do when you feel like giving up: Life can get overwhelming at the best of times, but when something goes wrong and nothing seems to be going right, it can be a real blow to your confidence and make you want to throw in the towel altogether. The first thing you need to remember when this happens is that feeling this way is NORMAL. ‘Failure’ is scary; most of us spend our entire lives desperately trying to avoid it. So, it’s okay to feel down, frustrated, or despondent when things don’t work out – in fact, allowing yourself to acknowledge and process these emotions is the first step in picking yourself back up again! Take a moment for yourself and do something you enjoy instead of wallowing in the negativity of ‘if only’. Read a book. Go for a walk. Meet up with a friend for a coffee. It doesn’t matter what it is, as long as it brings you joy and peace. Only then will you be able to focus and look at the problem in front of you from a fresh perspective and work out your next steps, whether that be seeking help from others, ‘pivoting’ to try something new, or simply pushing through this rough patch to greener pastures on the other side!

One final thought from James Baldwin to call upon when things get tough:

‘Not everything that is faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed until it is faced.’.

New Year, New You!   It’s a fun thought.

And…what if the CURRENT you, the “warrior” (Wisdom Warrior, perhaps?!)  who has “fought” through these last twenty months and come out the other side, is more than able to make 2022 better and brighter than the ones before….it without the pressure of that dreaded ‘mental makeover’ some people talk about?

Let’s give this a shot in 3 easy steps!

1. Pause. Breathe. Reflect: one of the biggest mistakes we tend to make when looking to the future is forgetting to really acknowledge and digest the past. In fact, some of us may be blindly trying to hide the past in the closet and never thinking about it again! The closet thought is also known as Avoidance. We are biologically programmed to stay away from “ick.” And it is not always in our best interest to do that.

So, as the New Year approaches, take a step back and give yourself time to process  the last twelve months (rather than dumping it all into a mental trashcan!) Ask those magic questions…what went well? Not as well? What might you do differently next time?

To really up your ante….be sure to come to the Vision 2022 workshop on Jan 3 where we will dive in deep and make clear steps.

2. Set goals: the quiet part of holidays is a perfect opportunity to take some time to look ahead and think about what we want to achieve in the year ahead. This can be anything from taking up a new hobby to finally reorganize the attic instead of putting it off for another year. And you know what’s even better? Getting bold enough to think much, much bigger.

Whatever it is you hope to do, one of the best things you can do to give yourself a head-start and set yourself up for success is to plan – and no, I don’t mean micromanaging every hour of 2022 before the clock strikes midnight on January 1^st!

Don’t plan just yet, though. Give yourself time to really reflect. Come to <<<VISION 2022>>> where will will go deep AND chunk down! Here is a bit of detail about breaking down:

Start by breaking your goals down into smaller chunks and allow yourself realistic amounts of time to achieve each of those chunks before moving on to the next one. Breaking these goals down into more easily managed puzzle pieces like this will enable you to see how they all fit together to create a bigger picture and give you the chance to adjust your plans accordingly to build a more achievable timeline that’s spread across the year.

3. Expect the unexpected: the last twenty months are absolute proof that life is always subject to change. Change is the only constant. It’s natural to feel some anxiety when it comes to these unexpected curveballs, and this anxiety can be overcome and/or CAPITALIZED UPON! The key is to Expect the Unexpected. Know it’s your friend, actually. Be SOOOO kind to yourself. Embrace “failure.”  Riding whatever wave picks you up for a little while -instead of trying to fight it – will find you landing in a better place even if it is different to the one you expected. Learn to trust even when you are scared out of your mind. It’ll get easier. The rewards are great.

The most important thing to take from this:

• You are enough;
• You are strong;
•  You can make 2022 what you wish it to be.

However, you must believe in yourself. When you find yourself doubting that, remember – ‘Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.’  Søren Kierkegaard.

And don’t forget to say Hell Yes to Vision 2022! You have the day off, what better way to kick off the year?!<< INFO /REGISTER HERE>>

With a global pandemic in play, this year has meant that many of us have had to reinvent our ways of working. When the world came to a standstill, we had to find a way to keep things ticking, so it hasn’t been an easy 20 months for many of us (lots of ups and downs, hope and continued sadness). So, with the holidays on the horizon, how do we handle the holiday blues? What can we reflect on from 2021 and take into 2022? How can we have a better, more productive year?

Let’s face it, there’s been a lot of “figuring things out”… and our patience and reserves are thin… so this new year, let’s focus on taking what we’ve learned to create a better, more productive year for 2022.

• Take the holiday break to disconnect – one thing I love about the early winter holidays is that generally most people are offline, spending time with family and loved ones – and this means you should be too! Take the time to fill your cups, catch up with people you haven’t seen in a long time, and treat yourself well.
• Plan to mindfully plan the New Year– after a break away, many of us can feel the urge to leap into the new year and tackle everything hands on. Rather than “ready, fire, aim”… take 90 minutes on the first MONDAY of the year (for some of us this is actually a holiday!) to AIM first.

JOIN me at Vision 2022!

• Have a plan – but not in the way you might be thinking. This workshop goes beyond “let’s get your calendar out.” We aim high, go deep, uncover what the TRUE reason is behind the inertia, and pop open new possibilities in a way that will shock, amaze, inspire and motivate you.

• BEFORE JANUARY 3: Take time to reflect on the past year. – We will not be meeting for the Whole Day. If we were, we would ABSOLUTELY begin with allowing the time and reflection needed to properly usher in the new year. So be sure to do this…soon.

I love spending time looking back on all the achievements from the year. With such busy lives, and the pull to be constantly “on the go”, it is likely that you’ve not even taken a moment this year to look at where you are, what you have achieved or the people you’ve met. Our minds are wired to focus on the “did not go as well” so focusing on your wins and collecting them all becomes a true game changer when  planning the year ahead.

• Trade Resolutions for Real Change – we’ve all been there, wanting to self-improve and change many things – all the things- going into the New Year. And, as you know, that just **does not work**. Our brains are not wired for Full Reset. Our calendars will not “magically empty” so that all these things have room to become part of the New You, even if we DID have a Full Reset Button. You can do something, right now, though. In addition to making a list of all your accomplishments thus far, pick one or two things that you would like to achieve, put a timeline against them and make a start before the year is up!

Remember, you are great. You are strong and everything you do, will move you towards a better version of yourself. Take this time to relax, replenish and refill your cups because as Nibo Quebein said “Your present circumstances don’t determine where you can go. They merely determine where you start.”

Life moves quickly and life is intense. Living our life to the fullest is what I encourage people to do. However, this does not mean “fill your life.” When we find ourselves filling every gap of time we can with something, we are left feeling tired and in true need of a vacation. Add to that the uncertainties of the past year, and if you are taking in the notion of “uncertainty” you will need a break more than ever. But the reality is that January can sometimes be hard and the readjustment to business after a calm period can feel quite overwhelming for some.

So how can you beat the holiday blues and gain perspective to move forward?

1. Realize that it’s REALLY normal to feel holiday blues – let’s start with this one as for me, it’s the most important. Understanding your feelings is a sign of emotional intelligence and is a quality that all of us should work on. It’s totally normal to feel blue when life resumes itself to the normal chaos, especially when you scroll through Instagram and see others STILL on vacation – that’s all they seem to do right? And here you are, working away, in the same chair, at the same desk, drinking from the same coffee cup as last year. Be kind to yourself, allow yourself some time to reflect and let your emotions flow.
2. Listen to your mind and body – when was the last time you listened to that clever brain of yours? Did you listen when it was telling you to rest last year or take time out or did you just wait for your body to force you to do so? After a vacation this spring, I realized, when I totally melted down at the breakfast table, that I needed it more than I knew. Always giving from an empty vessel will not help you reach your true potential. Is it time to make a change and listen to your mind? Plotting a day in the near future for YOU, will give you something to look forward to and a change to refill your “tank” before it completely empties again. If you are giving yourself the opportunity to relax, reflect and enjoy yourself on a regular basis, the holiday blues won’t feel as intense when returning to normality.
3. Incorporate “vacation life” into your everyday – What is it that felt so good about your vacation this year? Was it the food? The extra rest? The catching up with people who you haven’t seen in a long time? Whatever it was that made you feel YOU again – add it into your weekly routine. Some years ago, a client visited Italy and loved the food! Nice, simple food that was to die for. Pasta, Pizza, and cheese – what more could you possibly want? Upon her return, she decided to add an Italian dish into her meal plan each month and with her partner, she relives all the fantastic moments she had there. Not only has it given her a way of reminiscing fabulous times, but also it has forced her to learn new skills and explore more adventurous recipes.
4. Unpack as soon as you get home and do a “spring clean” – we’ve all been there, living out of a suitcase for weeks after a vacation. The feeling of disorganization can leave us feeling overwhelmed, so unpack as soon as you can. Put that suitcase back in the attic ready for next time and have a general cleanup of your space so you can easily locate everything you need when starting back into your routine.

If there’s only one message you take away from here, allow it to be that being kind to yourself is absolutely crucial for getting over the holiday blues. We all get them, you are not alone and this will happen again but with finding ways like above to reduce them as much as we can will help us get set for the year ahead.

Being neurodivergent often means that organization and order can be more difficult than for others. However, this doesn’t mean that it’s not possible to have all your ducks in a row and be organized. Ever heard someone say, it might not look organized to you, but I know where everything is?. We are constantly watching how other people organize their lives, whether this be on social media with the lady who folds clothes into drawers Marie Kondo style-e or people packing their shopping at supermarket checkouts and this can lead us to feel unorganized, but I’ll let you in on a secret. No one is as organized as they appear.

Question: What can I do to find inspiration to get organized, find order and stop feeling shame?

Answer: disconnect. Set your own standards. Find what works for you.

Disconnect – it’s as simple as this. If what you see around you makes you feel guilty or overwhelmed, switch it off. Don’t watch it. Hasta luego, see you later. Remember that these people’s lives you are watching, most likely revolve around creating beautiful, calming content and organisation is their thing but it doesn’t mean you have the time, energy, or desire to be that organized. Most people aren’t, they just like to think they are.

Set your own standards and find what works for you – What level of organization do you require to feel in control of what’s going on around you? Find out what works for you and stick to it, forget what those around you do. One dear friend is the most organized person I’ve ever met. I’ve never seen her kitchen without a sparkle, or a paper out of place. In fact she has almost “no” paper. While I would love my house to look like this, it’s unrealistic. I don’t have the time or the energy (In line with most other people) and I’m okay with that. I’d need a full time maid, period…I love my creative genius flow and that is NOT linear!

Question: How can you gain trust in your ability to stay on top of everything?

Answer: be kind to yourself. Change your standards and then change them again. Give yourself grace and love! Trust in the process.

Being kind to yourself will always be top of the list and this applies to everyone, neurodivergent or not. With life coming at us thick and fast every day, it’s easy to lose track of where we are and feel like we are spinning all plates at one time. That’s okay. What is not okay is to feel guilty about it, feel ashamed or hide away from who you are.

Adjust your standards and then do it again. You won’t be able to keep on top of everything, it’s virtually impossible. Even high-powered executives with full time personal assistants let the ball drop sometimes, it’s just the way it is. Levelling the gap between expectation and reality will reduce feelings of guilt and shame. Set standards too “high” (perfectionism, anyone?) will only enhance these feelings.

Trust in the process. Make a process a habit, do it repeatedly, not matter how long it takes you and eventually in will become second nature. Make a habit of putting clothes away as they come out of the dryer, putting your coffee mug in the dishwasher, or simply filing that email as it comes in.

Question: I need to find the silver lining to my superpowers, but how?

Answer: Evaluate what you can do that others can’t. Do something at least once a day that reminds you how good you are, something that sparks you joy.

Evaluate what you can do that others can’t. Everybody is different and this is such a fantastic thing. Can you imagine how boring the world would be if we were all the same? There is also so much to be gained by being different and you may often find that people request your help with things that come naturally to you but not to them and vice versa. So ask your friends what you are great at! An effective way of reminding yourself of how good you are is by writing down three positive things that have happened at the end of each day.

Do something at least once a day that reminds you how good you are, something that sparks you joy. Allow yourself to be great. Sometimes we get stuck, like a hamster, in the wheel of “doing” and forget that it’s okay to simply be ourselves. Take time each day to do something that fills your soul, that you enjoy and allow yourself to reflect on your qualities.

I’ll leave this one as food for thought “the hardest step she ever took was to blindly trust in who she was” – Atticus –