When things don’t go as planned, we can resist the very thing that may be the most helpful. A debrief, otherwise known as hindsight analysis can be absolute GOLD in the Failure Process. However, more often than not, people resist this routine. Fear of feeling stupid can lurk behind this omission.
The key to combatting guilt is to understand that it’s not possible to control everything around us. Often, things will happen that can leave us feeling “stupid”, guilty or with a sense of shame hanging over us but what can we do to remedy these feelings or at least reduce them to a level that doesn’t take over our whole being and end up consuming us?
If you don’t feel naturally organized, even if you have read lots of books, you may have some questions!
Question: Is there something wrong with me?
Answer: In short, no. Try looking at what you can easily do those others can’t first and you’ll realize there’s nothing wrong with you.
Firstly, take the phrase “If only I had…” out of your dictionary. If you were to take some time to reflect on each action over the course of the day, without a doubt, there will be things that you could have done differently, more efficiently or more effectively but it’s important to remember that you are where you are, and those moments have passed. It’s possible that those impulse moments, led to a positive outcome or the day may have looked different.
The analogy that explains this best is the traffic jam. Have you ever found yourself at standstill on a busy road only to think, If only I had left 10 minutes earlier…” but like most things, the traffic jam was unpredictable and having these thoughts are actually not helpful at all and only contribute to feelings of shame and guilt?
Remember YOU are your hardest critic– even when you feel incredibly stupid, guilty, or shameful, the likelihood is that you are the only one to have noticed that. A bit like going to the gym, you feel exposed, and you feel like everyone is watching you but in reality, everyone has their own issues and things to deal with and are unlikely to even notice you or what you are doing.
Question: Does neurodivergent mean you can’t operate in the “real world”?
Answer: Carl Jung once said “The shoe that fits one person, pinches another; there is no recipe for living that suits all cases.
Different doesn’t mean worse. Different means different. For the neurodivergent of the world, I recommend that you STOP the constant comparison to others, and START being kind to yourself as a norm.
Don’t forget that everyone operates within their own capabilities and just because your brain operates differently than many people you see around you, it certainly doesn’t mean you are any less capable. Do you find yourself asking, “what’s wrong with me”? If you are nodding when reading this, then you have spent too much time focusing on the negative aspects of your persona. What is it that you can do easily that others can’t? Are you able to make intuitive and quick decisions where friends go over and over something before reaching that exact same conclusion? Different doesn’t mean worse. Different means different. Rather than kicking yourself for your differences, try honoring them. They are, in fact, your superpower.
Question: Is there a connection between procrastination and shame?
Answer: Yes, they are closely linked. The behaviors that characterize Neurodivergence, are often confused with problematic behaviors which can quickly contribute to feelings of shame and guilt. In a society that runs at a million miles an hour, if we’re not always thriving or achieving, we feel like we are failing, procrastinating and this leads to feelings of shame and guilt, but don’t forget, that from procrastination, some of the best ideas have been born. The most creative minds operate at full pace when given time to procrastinate, to question and just let the mind wander. So why are we wired to feel ashamed of procrastination? Even those who say they don’t, procrastinate because we are only human at the end of the day and sometimes, we just need a break.
To love ourselves, we must accept that we are all different and we must learn to operate together, in independence.