In the last blog, we delved into various negative aspects of perfectionism, looking at how needing to be perfect at everything could impact life and lead to burnout. I invited you to look at what is really happening versus what you are imagining should happen. When you do that, it’s really powerful. In this blog, we will focus on how to live with the “flaws” that we all have and how those “flaws” can actually be a blessing in disguise. We’ll also go through an exercise to release some aspects of perfectionism that are holding you back from your greatness through a case study.
How to capitalize on your “flaws”
If you have AD/HD, you have probably been told your whole life that you are not doing it the “right” way. That you have a disorder. A learning disability. This is crushing to a person’s sense of self.
The truth is that we are all good enough. In fact, we are all amazing. Just not at everything. More truth: we have to be “good enough” and some things. For example, money. So many AD/HD’ers are “bad with money” or “don’t know exactly where it goes.” Does this sound familiar? You DO need to know where your money goes so you can realize your dreams. Mainly, all it takes is a system. It’s okay if you have to outsource this (to a family member, bookkeeper, etc)
The first step in this process to be GOOD ENOUGH is to face “what is”. This isn’t the time for denial. Our fears only have control over us when we run and hide. Yes, that’s right….run TOWARD the fears. (hint…they shrink in your flashlight, not intensify!)
Next, determine how you can get a Passing Grade in the stuff you find Boring, Repetitive, Scary. Don’t assume you have to gain Gold-Star Greatness on everything. Upping your skill to passable is perfect. Now that’s perfectionism that will serve you!
It’s important to retain perspective. You are never, I repeat, never going to be great at everything because that’s not real life and that’s okay. That’s what makes you, you! Instead of feeling a failure because you are not super strong in all aspects of your life, learn to focus on areas that you are good in, and draw less attention to the weaker areas. When a person focuses on his/her strengths, and goes deep, mastery emerges.
Learn what that Perfect Voice is in your head, and how s/he is sabotaging you
When faced with aspects of your life where you know you have weakness, it can be all too easy to listen to that annoying little voice in your head. The one that says, “Why make the effort, you know you’re just going to fail”, or “Go ahead, have the burger and order that full-fat dessert while you’re at it; you can start the diet tomorrow” – you know the kind of thing.
Self-sabotage is the brain’s way of dealing with change; a way to safe-guard and defend yourself and it can be so subtle that you don’t even realize that you’re doing it.
If that inner voice is telling you that you can’t take action until the perfect time, or that you need to perfect a skill before you move forward, it’s really time to stop engaging in those thoughts. Instead, start replacing the negative thoughts with positive ones; Imagine what will happen when you do move forward and achieve your goal. Tell yourself that your best is plenty good enough and take the first step to success.
How to love yourself, imperfections and all
The key to living with the imperfect you is to recognise your value as just that; imperfect. No one wants a one-dimensional “perfect” version of you, it is your imperfections, your frailties that make you authentic and “whole”. Trying to be perfect is just exhausting! Focus, not on trying to please others, but on pleasing yourself.
There is a big difference between trying to do our best and trying to be perfect. It is important to recognize that, very often our need or perfectionism comes from inside ourselves. Everyone else is just happy with you being you, imperfections and all! “Be yourself” has always served me well. And it will serve you, also.
A case study
Sometimes we know we have perfectionist tendencies; sometimes we don’t. Here’s a real-life example of someone (I will call him Bill) who knew he had these tendencies. But he could not stop himself! Even though he had an excellent assistant to review and edit his work, he continued to re-write each sentence, fearing that he would send his assistant “bad” work…or that she could not do it as well as he could. He wasted a lot of time choosing the right font for a document, and obsessed over minor details of a PowerPoint presentation. As a result, Bill repeatedly fell behind in his work.
What’s the strategy? Grow accustomed to the uncomfortable. How?
- Wear mismatched socks.
- Wear a tie that has a stain.
At first, Bill was not so sure about these ideas. He’d look bad! Imperfect, even! But we came up with other solutions, too. When he began laughing about being mismatched, I knew the battle had been won with his perfectionism.
And when we are done fighting with it (which truly is fighting with ourselves) we open ourselves up to new learning and growing. And that’s where the fun is…and I daresay the powerful service.