Month: January 2022

Saying NO is often not so easy.  Engrained deep down somewhere is the fear of rejection, the fear of someone else saying no to us. Somehow, with the busy lives we lead, many times we find ourselves saying yes, when really we should be saying no. We overstretch ourselves, tire ourselves, burn ourselves out and this could all be remediated by simply saying no. Discernment is critical. So why do we feel so uncomfortable about saying the two-letter word? Saying “no” may feel “aggressive” but it doesn’t necessarily make you the “bad one”. So how do we say NO and not “feel badly” about it?

• Start by saying it! Many times, we don’t use “no! effectively. We find ourselves “beating around the bush”, providing useless explanations or getting ourselves into a mess when really all we need to say is no. Provide a short explanation if you wish to but keep it brief, stay away from excuses and be assertive and confident in the reasons for which you are saying no.

• Set boundaries and understand your relationships – sometimes we can find it hard to say no because we haven’t taken the time to evaluate our relationships and understand our role within them. All solid relationships are built on trust and can withstand you saying no when saying yes just isn’t the right decision for you.

• Remember, the only person who can take care of you is YOU. Therefore, it’s crucial that we know it’s okay to be selfish. It’s perfectly acceptable to put your needs first. As Warren Buffett once said, “The difference between successful people and very successful people is that very successful people say no to almost everything!”

• Just because you can, it doesn’t mean you should. Yes, you heard correctly. You are extremely talented, and your skillset is wide, your heart is big, and you CAN and WANT to help but this doesn’t mean you should. Take time to evaluate the situation. Do you have time to help? Do you have the headspace to help? If you answer no to any of these questions, you should also be saying no to the person asking.

• Learn to negotiate – If you really want to say yes but are torn because you could really do without having this request on your plate, negotiate. Do you need more time to complete the task? Do you need further assistance from a colleague or a friend? Setting conditions to your answer can help free up time and headspace to complete the request at hand.

• Practicing saying no on smaller things will allow you to say yes on bigger things. Do you spend all your time mopping up small tasks? Are they zapping your time, energy and productivity and stopping you from achieving BIG? If this sounds like you, saying no to smaller requests may free you up the time to focus on what you need to get done. It will also set you on the path to learning to say no and accepting the feelings that come with it.

• Remember, it’s okay to say no and you can’t be everything to everyone. You just can’t and the sooner we accept this, the better.

Ultimately, saying no gives us greater navigation over our own lives. It grants us the opportunity to build a fulfilling, meaningful life on our OWN terms and helps us steer away from living by other people’s expectations. It’s easy to believe that we are protecting others by saying yes when we really want to say no, however, being transparent and honest about what we want is key to building authentic relations.

I’ll leave you with this quote as food for thought “Half of the troubles of this life can be traced to saying yes too quickly and not saying no soon enough” – Josh Billings.

Learn the number one way to de-stuckify yourself from the chain of expectation.

Living up to other people’s expectation begins in the very early stages of our development. From the moment we are born, our parents or carers establish rules on how we should behave, the schooling system implements educational standards and as we grow older and get our first job, expectations are put on us by our employers. And just like that, we can find ourselves always trying to live up to the expectation of others. But when it is time to de-stuckify yourself from those expectations? Do you find yourself in the never-ending spiral of trying to please other people? Is this leading you be to be unhappy?

If you can resonate with these feelings – You are NOT alone. So how can you liberate yourself from people’s expectations to live your life how you want to and make everyone around you happier in the long term? What do you need to know and what steps can you take?

• Expectations are rarely an accurate gauge on what is right for YOU. It’s important to remember that even with the best intentions, other people’s expectations will be based on the standards they set for themselves and therefore it’s very likely that these expectations won’t align with your own goals. Only you know what is right for you.

• Know your values and what’s important to you – discovering what you want from YOUR life is essential to setting your boundaries and to protecting yourself from other people’s expectations. Do you want to parent your children in a certain way? Perhaps you want to run your business different to how others around you are doing it? Imagine yourself in a scenario where no one was telling you what you should do, what would you decide? What would you choose to do? This exercise is key to finding out what it is that you REALLY want from your life. While this can seem obvious, most people don’t even think to spend time on it. And it can actually be a little scary!

• Cut the chain of expectation at the very top – this one really is a “practice makes perfect” kind of exercise and it’s not always going to be easy. When you clearly set out your boundaries from the beginning and learn to speak up without fear of being judged, you’ll eventually be able to liberate yourself from other people’s standards and expectations and lead the life you have always wanted.  Wait. Then it’s all up to you. Nobody to blame, or be angry with….let that one sit….

• Always remember that these are other people’s expectations and not yours, therefore it’s their problem, NOT yours. Learning to remove yourself from the emotional side of these expectations will allow you to bring them into perspective and decide if they are right for you. Don’t take on other expectations as your own. Listen to them (sometimes that’s all it takes) and then take time to put the words into perspective.

• Finally, be kind to yourself – it’s true that you can’t control what others think of you or say to you. You CAN control how you speak to yourself. This is the first step to leading a happier life. And it can be really, really hard to stop the negative nelly to YOURSELF. Nurturing your inner self, treating yourself with respect and accepting who you are will allow you to make decisions that will lead you on the right path to success. ENLIST YOUR FRIENDS TO HELP!

To achieve true happiness within your own life, it’s vital that you learn to remove yourself from other people’s expectations and learn to live your life by your standards. Always living life by what other people want you to do can cause frustration as well as resentment and it’s difficult to build a happy mind from this rocky base. When the biggest priority in your life is being liked for what you do, the main goal becomes just that, and you can quickly lose sight of what you actually want. Always push yourself to the next level of success but don’t let other people tell you what success looks like for you because only you can know that.

I’ll leave you with this powerful quote – “I’m not in this world to live up to your expectations and you’re not in this world to live up to mine.”