Month: October 2021

Being neurodivergent often means that organization and order can be more difficult than for others. However, this doesn’t mean that it’s not possible to have all your ducks in a row and be organized. Ever heard someone say, it might not look organized to you, but I know where everything is?. We are constantly watching how other people organize their lives, whether this be on social media with the lady who folds clothes into drawers Marie Kondo style-e or people packing their shopping at supermarket checkouts and this can lead us to feel unorganized, but I’ll let you in on a secret. No one is as organized as they appear.

Question: What can I do to find inspiration to get organized, find order and stop feeling shame?

Answer: disconnect. Set your own standards. Find what works for you.

Disconnect – it’s as simple as this. If what you see around you makes you feel guilty or overwhelmed, switch it off. Don’t watch it. Hasta luego, see you later. Remember that these people’s lives you are watching, most likely revolve around creating beautiful, calming content and organisation is their thing but it doesn’t mean you have the time, energy, or desire to be that organized. Most people aren’t, they just like to think they are.

Set your own standards and find what works for you – What level of organization do you require to feel in control of what’s going on around you? Find out what works for you and stick to it, forget what those around you do. One dear friend is the most organized person I’ve ever met. I’ve never seen her kitchen without a sparkle, or a paper out of place. In fact she has almost “no” paper. While I would love my house to look like this, it’s unrealistic. I don’t have the time or the energy (In line with most other people) and I’m okay with that. I’d need a full time maid, period…I love my creative genius flow and that is NOT linear!

Question: How can you gain trust in your ability to stay on top of everything?

Answer: be kind to yourself. Change your standards and then change them again. Give yourself grace and love! Trust in the process.

Being kind to yourself will always be top of the list and this applies to everyone, neurodivergent or not. With life coming at us thick and fast every day, it’s easy to lose track of where we are and feel like we are spinning all plates at one time. That’s okay. What is not okay is to feel guilty about it, feel ashamed or hide away from who you are.

Adjust your standards and then do it again. You won’t be able to keep on top of everything, it’s virtually impossible. Even high-powered executives with full time personal assistants let the ball drop sometimes, it’s just the way it is. Levelling the gap between expectation and reality will reduce feelings of guilt and shame. Set standards too “high” (perfectionism, anyone?) will only enhance these feelings.

Trust in the process. Make a process a habit, do it repeatedly, not matter how long it takes you and eventually in will become second nature. Make a habit of putting clothes away as they come out of the dryer, putting your coffee mug in the dishwasher, or simply filing that email as it comes in.

Question: I need to find the silver lining to my superpowers, but how?

Answer: Evaluate what you can do that others can’t. Do something at least once a day that reminds you how good you are, something that sparks you joy.

Evaluate what you can do that others can’t. Everybody is different and this is such a fantastic thing. Can you imagine how boring the world would be if we were all the same? There is also so much to be gained by being different and you may often find that people request your help with things that come naturally to you but not to them and vice versa. So ask your friends what you are great at! An effective way of reminding yourself of how good you are is by writing down three positive things that have happened at the end of each day.

Do something at least once a day that reminds you how good you are, something that sparks you joy. Allow yourself to be great. Sometimes we get stuck, like a hamster, in the wheel of “doing” and forget that it’s okay to simply be ourselves. Take time each day to do something that fills your soul, that you enjoy and allow yourself to reflect on your qualities.

I’ll leave this one as food for thought “the hardest step she ever took was to blindly trust in who she was” – Atticus –

When things don’t go as planned, we can resist the very thing that may be the most helpful. A debrief, otherwise known as hindsight analysis can be absolute GOLD in the Failure Process. However, more often than not, people resist this routine. Fear of feeling stupid can lurk behind this omission.

The key to combatting guilt is to understand that it’s not possible to control everything around us. Often, things will happen that can leave us feeling “stupid”, guilty or with a sense of shame hanging over us but what can we do to remedy these feelings or at least reduce them to a level that doesn’t take over our whole being and end up consuming us?

If you don’t feel naturally organized, even if you have read lots of books, you may have some questions!

Question: Is there something wrong with me?

Answer: In short, no. Try looking at what you can easily do those others can’t first and you’ll realize there’s nothing wrong with you.

Firstly, take the phrase “If only I had…” out of your dictionary. If you were to take some time to reflect on each action over the course of the day, without a doubt, there will be things that you could have done differently, more efficiently or more effectively but it’s important to remember that you are where you are, and those moments have passed. It’s possible that those impulse moments, led to a positive outcome or the day may have looked different.

The analogy that explains this best is the traffic jam. Have you ever found yourself at standstill on a busy road only to think, If only I had left 10 minutes earlier…” but like most things, the traffic jam was unpredictable and having these thoughts are actually not helpful at all and only contribute to feelings of shame and guilt?

Remember YOU are your hardest critic– even when you feel incredibly stupid, guilty, or shameful, the likelihood is that you are the only one to have noticed that. A bit like going to the gym, you feel exposed, and you feel like everyone is watching you but in reality, everyone has their own issues and things to deal with and are unlikely to even notice you or what you are doing.

Question: Does neurodivergent mean you can’t operate in the “real world”?

Answer: Carl Jung once said “The shoe that fits one person, pinches another; there is no recipe for living that suits all cases.

Different doesn’t mean worse. Different means different. For the neurodivergent of the world, I recommend that you STOP the  constant comparison to others, and START  being kind to yourself as a norm.

Don’t forget that everyone operates within their own capabilities and just because your brain operates differently than many people you see around you, it certainly doesn’t mean you are any less capable. Do you find yourself asking,  “what’s wrong with me”? If you are nodding when reading this, then you have spent too much time focusing on the negative aspects of your persona. What is it that you can do easily that others can’t? Are you able to make intuitive and quick decisions where friends go over and over something before reaching that exact same conclusion? Different doesn’t mean worse. Different means different. Rather than kicking yourself for your differences, try honoring them. They are, in fact, your superpower.

Question: Is there a connection between procrastination and shame?

Answer: Yes, they are closely linked.  The behaviors that characterize Neurodivergence, are often confused with problematic behaviors which can quickly contribute to feelings of shame and guilt. In a society that runs at a million miles an hour, if we’re not always thriving or achieving, we feel like we are failing, procrastinating and this leads to feelings of shame and guilt, but don’t forget, that from procrastination, some of the best ideas have been born. The most creative minds operate at full pace when given time to procrastinate, to question and just let the mind wander. So why are we wired to feel ashamed of procrastination? Even those who say they don’t, procrastinate because we are only human at the end of the day and sometimes, we just need a break.

To love ourselves, we must accept that we are all different and we must learn to operate together, in independence.