Month: September 2019

In the last blog, we delved into various negative aspects of perfectionism, looking at how needing to be perfect at everything could impact life and lead to burnout.  I invited you to look at what is really happening versus what you are imagining should happen. When you do that, it’s really powerful. In this blog, we will focus on how to live with the “flaws” that we all have and how those “flaws” can actually be a blessing in disguise. We’ll also go through an exercise to release some aspects of perfectionism that are holding you back from your greatness through a case study.

How to capitalize on your “flaws” 

If you have AD/HD, you have probably been told your whole life that you are not doing it the “right” way. That you have a disorder. A learning disability. This is crushing to a person’s sense of self.

The truth is that we are all good enough. In fact, we are all amazing. Just not at everything. More truth: we have to be “good enough” and some things. For example, money. So many AD/HD’ers are “bad with money” or “don’t know exactly where it goes.” Does this sound familiar? You DO need to know where your money goes so you can realize your dreams. Mainly, all it takes is a system. It’s okay if you have to outsource this (to a family member, bookkeeper, etc)

The first step in this process to be GOOD ENOUGH is to face “what is”.  This isn’t the time for denial. Our fears only have control over us when we run and hide. Yes, that’s right….run TOWARD the fears. (hint…they shrink in your flashlight, not intensify!)

Next, determine how you can get a Passing Grade in the stuff you find Boring, Repetitive, Scary. Don’t assume you have to gain Gold-Star Greatness on everything.  Upping your skill to passable is perfect.  Now that’s perfectionism that will serve you!

It’s important to retain perspective.  You are never, I repeat, never going to be great at everything because that’s not real life and that’s okay. That’s what makes you, you!  Instead of feeling a failure because you are not super strong in all aspects of your life, learn to focus on areas that you are good in, and draw less attention to the weaker areas. When a person focuses on his/her strengths, and goes deep, mastery emerges.

Learn what that Perfect Voice is in your head, and how s/he is sabotaging you

When faced with aspects of your life where you know you have weakness, it can be all too easy to listen to that annoying little voice in your head.  The one that says, “Why make the effort, you know you’re just going to fail”, or “Go ahead, have the burger and order that full-fat dessert while you’re at it; you can start the diet tomorrow” – you know the kind of thing.

Self-sabotage is the brain’s way of dealing with change; a way to safe-guard and defend yourself and it can be so subtle that you don’t even realize that you’re doing it.

If that inner voice is telling you that you can’t take action until the perfect time, or that you need to perfect a skill before you move forward, it’s really time to stop engaging in those thoughts.  Instead, start replacing the negative thoughts with positive ones; Imagine what will happen when you do move forward and achieve your goal.  Tell yourself that your best is plenty good enough and take the first step to success.

How to love yourself, imperfections and all

The key to living with the imperfect you is to recognise your value as just that; imperfect.  No one wants a one-dimensional “perfect” version of you, it is your imperfections, your frailties that make you authentic and “whole”.  Trying to be perfect is just exhausting! Focus, not on trying to please others, but on pleasing yourself.

There is a big difference between trying to do our best and trying to be perfect. It is important to recognize that, very often our need or perfectionism comes from inside ourselves.  Everyone else is just happy with you being you, imperfections and all! “Be yourself” has always served me well. And it will serve you, also.

A case study

Sometimes we know we have perfectionist tendencies; sometimes we don’t. Here’s a real-life example of someone (I will call him Bill) who knew he had these tendencies. But he could not stop himself! Even though he had an excellent assistant to review and edit his work, he continued to re-write each sentence, fearing that he would send his assistant “bad” work…or that she could not do it as well as he could. He wasted a lot of time choosing the right font for a document, and obsessed over minor details of a PowerPoint presentation. As a result, Bill repeatedly fell behind in his work.

What’s the strategy? Grow accustomed to the uncomfortable. How?

• Wear mismatched socks.
• Wear a tie that has a stain.

At first, Bill was not so sure about these ideas. He’d look bad! Imperfect, even! But we came up with other solutions, too. When he began laughing about being mismatched, I knew the battle had been won with his perfectionism.

And when we are done fighting with it (which truly is fighting with ourselves) we open ourselves up to new learning and growing. And that’s where the fun is…and I daresay the powerful service.

On the way to creating the life you want and the business you would love when you have AD/HD is this little roadblock called “perfectionism.”

How’s that working for you?

Have you ever considered that the world which exists inside your head is a perfect world?  A world where the Midas effect is a real thing, because everything you touch turns to sparkly success? How amazing that world is.  Except, it’s not reality.

Here’s what can happen.

• You don’t meet your lofty standards. Over and over.
• Your self-talk goes pretty negative.
• You stop believing you are doing a good job.
• You stop trying.

Does any of this sound familiar?

The hard fact is that there are some things in life that, yes, you are great at.  But there are also things that you are just passable at and other things at which you’re pretty useless.  Join the club!  When it comes to talent and ability, the playing field is most definitely uneven.  Wherever we look, there are always people who seem to be stronger than us, more polished and more knowledgeable, leading us to feelings of insecurity and intimidation. But there are ways that you can approach these negative feelings and flip them into positive ones.  Here’s how:

How to recognize if you are a perfectionist even if you believe you are “just doing a good job”

While doing a great job has its place, we can  get caught up in trying to do everything perfectly. Doing a GOOD job gets pushed aside. We convince ourselves that we must be perfect, or the result is just not good enough and therefore not worth doing.  I mean, why attempt something when you know you’re going to fail?  Right? Hmmm….is doing a GOOD job “failing”?

If you cannot stand the idea that at least some of what you do may be imperfect, then the chances are that you are veering into perfectionist country, and that just leads to procrastination, failure and frustration. This is not a country to stay in!

Procrastination

I get it.  You want to be permanently amazing at everything you do. Failure or “not good enough” just isn’t an option. But the result of striving for perfection in everything you do is procrastination; these two very often walk hand in hand.  Perfectionists often fear being able to complete a task perfectly, so they put it off for as long as possible.

Solution: Do it badly! That’s right. Just do “something.” What will happen? I am willing to bet…something fantastic. The magic in this phrase is freedom. My mentor, Melinda Cohen (who created and owns the wildly successful Coaches Console) taught me this phrase. She is a recovering Perfectionist!

Micromanaging

Another negative by-product of perfectionism is micro-management.  If you are so focussed on perfection that you find yourself dictating how others compete their tasks, then this could be you.  Instead, step back and allow those delegated tasks to be completed by others without interruption.  Your team will be more engaged, leading to a better result. Allowing others to complete tasks “their way” brings a different perspective to the task in hand and the end result may not be “perfect”, but who wants perfect anyway?  Isn’t completed better?

Overwhelm

Lastly, is overwhelm; the result of both procrastination and micromanaging.  If you cannot complete a task for fear that the end result will only be your best, not “perfect” or you fail to delegate for fear that your team won’t deliver, or you fail to allow delegated tasks to be completed without micromanaging the project, then you may find yourself heading for overwhelm and, ultimately, burn out.

To avoid this, it is important that you gain a new perspective.  One strategy is the Index Card Strategy. Find some index cards and write one sentence on each. For example:

• “Mistakes are bound to happen.”
• “Remember, nobody is perfect, not even my boss.”
• “Making a mistake does not make me less than, it only makes me human.”
• “It’s OK to have a bad day.”

To train yourself to be less perfectionistic, read them several times a day. At first this will feel really strange. But…it works. The secret is to allow it to work. Just trust.

In my next blog, I will be looking at ways to capitalize on your flaws and how to love yourself; flaws and all. I’ll include case studies from real people, who have gone from fearing what might happen if they are not perfect, to moving ahead, step by step, in the right direction and getting further than they ever dreamed possible.