In our last blog post, we talked about the reasons why you should say NO sometimes and how that little word can help you gain clarity in your own goals.
In this post, we’re going to look at key ways that you can say no and mean no, but do it kindly, too.
1. No excuses.
It’s often the prevarication around the word NO that causes all the
problems. Because we feel uncomfortable
in refusing a request, we often feel we need to provide excuses or beat around
the bush, rather than plainly saying “no”.
It’s this evasion that provides the window of opportunity for others to
mistake our NO for a YES and, before we know, we’ve agreed to the request we
were hell-bent on refusing!
Instead, just be straight. Don’t stall or hesitate. Your refusal is enough. You can offer a brief explanation if you wish, but don’t feel duty-bound to. Be assertive, yet courteous. A response along the lines of, “I’m sorry, I can’t right now, let me come back to you when and if I can” resets the power dynamic in the conversation, putting you in control.
2. Boundaries are there for a reason.
Your personal boundaries are set by you and give you the best compass of whether you should say yes or no to a request. How will the other person feel if you say no? By looking at, and understanding, the dynamics of your relationship with them, you will see that a good relationship can withstand your refusal to one task. If you feel the relationship will suffer by your refusal, then surely that says more about your relationship than anything else?
3. Put yourself first.
Be firm in your refusal. Don’t feel compelled to say yes simply because the other person won’t like a refusal. It’s essential you put your needs first. If you constantly try and please all of the people all of the time, you’ll simply end up pleasing no one! In order to be the best version of yourself, you need time and space to grow and this means having the wherewithal to say NO when that request takes you too far off your own track. Besides, in order to give to others, you need to have something to give, so feel comfortable in saying no.
In summary, remember that YOU come first. Don’t feel bad about furthering your own success by saying NO to others.
You’ll often find that a firm, polite NO will increase the other person’s respect for you and allow them to see things from your perspective.
Picture the scenario: You’re at the office water cooler, when a colleague breezes by and adopts that puppy-dog expression, which signals they want something. As it turns out, “something” has come up and they can no longer do the presentation at the department meeting on Friday. Would you mind taking over?
You have no background on the task. You are snowed under with your own work and yet, instead of refusing, you hear a voice say
“Sure! Happy to help”…
Sound familiar?
It’s happened to us all. That
conviction that we would rather inconvenience ourselves than we would let
anyone else down. We just don’t like
feeling we’re the bad guy (or gal) and feel guilty over prioritizing our own
wishes and wellbeing.
But, I’m here to show you why it’s okay to say “NO” and how you can do so and still sleep at night. Here goes:
1. How saying NO to others is really saying YES to yourself.
“When you say ‘Yes’ to others, make sure you are not saying ‘No’ to yourself.” ~ Paolo Coelho
Let me ask you a question. When you take a look at your to-do
list, how many of the things on that list are for you and how many for someone
else? Sure, it’s nice to be needed, but
doing too much for others not only leaves the situation open to abuse, and can
also leave you over-extended, while you rush to fulfil those obligations or
responsibilities – and even resentful, with no “you” time left in the day.
That’s not to say that you should point-blank refuse to help anyone. The key is one little word: discernmentand learning to say ‘no’ when it means saying ‘yes’ to yourself. Practising discernment is key to building and maintaining those healthy boundaries that we have discussed in previous blog posts. Ask yourself, will saying YES to any request will get you nearer to your own goals and success, or will you simply be helping someone else get nearer their own?
2. What to do if you’re not sure what you’re saying YES to.
Again, we’ve probably all been in a situation where we have put
our own agenda to one side and picked up a task for someone else, only to find
that the task is WAY BIGGER than we originally thought (or were led to believe)
and how does that make us feel?
Resentful? Put-upon? Stressed?
Check, check and check.
Communication is key here. Never be afraid to ask those “stupid” questions and check the fine details of the task ahead. After all, if you’re going out of your way to pick up a job that is someone else’s responsibility, the least they can do is ensure you’re fully armed with the information and equipment you need to succeed. It’s perfectly okay to ask for further clarification before you decide whether to accept or decline a request, too. Far better to have clarity before you decide than to say “yes” blindly. It’s perfectly acceptable to request time to consider your answer too. “Let me check and get back to you” is all you need to say. No need for reasons, but this magic little phrase will also give you the option to refuse without looking/feeling bad. “I’m sorry, I checked my diary and I have something else on.” lets you off the hook pain-free.
3. Getting comfortable with NO
How can one little word make us squirm so hard? If you want to get comfortable with saying
no, then you first need to gain clarity in defining what you’re comfortable
saying yes to and, conversely, what you feel better saying no to. This is your
life, your agenda, your needs and desires we’re talking
about people! If you want to lead the life you want, then getting comfortable
with aligning others’ requests with your own goals is paramount. If you’re still unsure about saying no, give
it a practice. Think of one small thing
that you can say NO to and give it a whirl.
Try it out and get some balance back in your life.
Hopefully, the look at the bigger picture of why it’s okay to
say no sometimes will help you to achieve success in your own life. Remember
that saying NO to others may allow you to say YES to yourself!
In our next blog, we’re going to be looking at some ways to say NO without upsetting anyone, without feeling guilty ourselves and without losing friends!
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